From my lips to your ear

Tony Fratto
Deputy White House Press Secretary

"The Iraqi people - every day, and in increasing numbers - are choosing freedom and standing against the murderous, hateful ideology of Al-Qaeda in Iraq -- and we stand with them." - Me, Deputy White House Press Secretary Tony Fratto, talking to Bill Sevenford from the AFP during the second quarter of the Redskins-Cowboys game

That should have been a big story. I don't know, a new tape from Osama bin Laden used to be a major deal, a real event with more chill power than a Freddy Krueger movie. It used to mean something, a cause for focus and deep concentration, a journey back to a better land where the nation was united as one by fear and anger. Where did that magic go?

Okay, I know it's the holidays and I know a lot of the press was watching football. I'll go as far as to admit that this wasn't the most exciting bin Laden tape ever. He barely even mentioned annihilating America, but don't any of these reporters have to work on the holidays? I wanted to watch football too, but hey, the President needed me. (Actually, it was Dana, saying that she was at a party, but you know what I mean). But one lousy reporter from the AFP? And he wouldn't even stay to watch the rest of the game with me, even though the press room has the best wide-screen in town and I had a key to the snack room. You've really got to worry about the state of the media when...


Pssst, Dana.... Come with me. I've got something that I want to show you.

Ms Rice... Uh, Secretary Rice... Yes, I'll be glad to accompany you. What is it?
I ducked into the press room earlier today... You know, Fratto's got a key to the snack room, and I didn't want to call a guard. But I went to his desk and he didn't even have his alarm button activated. So of course I had to poke around his desk........ And I found this. I thought that you might be interested.

Oh my God, it's the prettiest girl in the world. And that girl is me!

He's in love with you, Dana, he's in love!
Ewwwww... It's beautiful... I've been PhotoShopped! That doesn't look anything like me... It's... It's disgusting... I could never look that good... Damn you, Tony Fratto, vengeance shall be mine!

Dana's got a boyfriend, Dana's got a boyfriend... Cut his nuts off and feed them to him, Dana.


...and furthermore, Ari Fleischer was a complete idiot. I know how some idiots are born and some idiots aspire to it, but you know, The Peter Principal was required reading when I worked for Santorum. Everybody read it except for the boss himself.

But the point is, Dana isn't an idiot - She's a babe. She just doesn't have the constitutional fortitude that a man like me can bring to the job. For example yesterday she was asked about the Wisconsin Project on China, and she claimed ignorance. Wrong answer, Blondielocks. I mean, I don't know what it is either, but it seems to me only logical that you would want to say...

Hello, Tony... What you doin', working on your column?

My column? Heh, heh, good one Dana. You know, I might try my hand at that sort of thing after this gig is over... I think I could give it a go... Of course, you'll probably be working for FOX, won't you... or maybe MSNBC? I don't know, do you swing both ways?
Can it, clown. Everybody at the White House reads your stupid column. It's hilarious. Sometimes it's the highlight of the week.
Cheney sends me an email alert whenever you write a new one.

Hey Dana, look at what your idiot 'boyfriend' has to say this week! LOL!
You've even managed to get the President's attention.

Wah ha ha ha ha hoohah ha...

And I saw your artwork, Tony. You shouldn't leave things out where Little Miss Snoop can find them.
Damn that Secretary Rice. I'll bet she's the one who took my Geoff Bodine key chain. Well, I hope that picture helped convince you that you're not as pretty as a picture.
It convinced me of something else, Tony. It convinced me that you're in love with me, and it convinced me that you are a schmuck, and it convinced me that I've got to ask Bolton to keep you on the night shift,

Okay, I guess I need to get going. I've got a busy night ahead of me issuing 'no comments' on the Iowa caucus. I just wish I didn't have to do it from the frigid streets of Des Moines. Not that the cold is going to bother a guy they call the Tough Guy's Tough Guy. After all, I'm Tony Fratto, Deputy White House Press Secretary, not a man to be trifled with.


2008, Mark Hoback