From my lips to your ear

Tony Fratto
Deputy White House Press Secretary

"The president has not and would not ask anyone to pass on false information." - Not me, not Tony Fratto, no way Jose.

No, don't look at me, I wouldn't say such a thing about the Plamegate affair, you won't hear any mealy-mouthing like that from Tony Fratto, the President's Deputy White House Press Secretary, or as I like to call myself, The Tough Guy's Tough Guy.

No, those would have been the words of press-babe Dana Perino, the non-stop tower of babble that's causing me to fade pretty seriously into the background. If it was me who was talking about Scotty McClellan and his 'big revelation' that Bush and Cheney and Rove and Libby and whatsisname had tricked him into lying, I would've taken the little fat man down a peg or two. Maybe a full pegboard. I would have respectfully asked him where he'd been the last couple of years if his delicate feelings were so damaged by this betrayal.

Was he missing because he's been having trouble putting together a book that anybody was the least bit interested in looking at? Oh yeah, I've got to rush right out and get the new Scott McClellan book. Like that's ever going to happen. Or possibly, he was hanging his hopes on a slot on FOX, and after Big Tony quit, he realized that, unlike me, opportunity had passed him by. Or maybe the guy is just as dumb as a rock.

 "You're too incompetent to know the truth," I would've said in my capacity as the Deputy Press Secretary to the President of the United States of America. "Of course the president needs to lie when it can help save American lives, or the hides of his compatriots. You couldn't figure out that much, you moron? That's why you were fired. Yeah, we lied about that too, let you say that you weren't fired, you useless pile of puppet crap. Hell, even I knew what was going on, and back then I was only Assistant Deputy Press Secretary. Now just get out of here and peddle your dumbass book, you worthless piece of unpatriotic scum."

That's what I would've said. I guess the president is feeling a wee bit regretful right about now for promoting a blonde piece of eye-candy over a real man of a press secretary like me, Tony Fratto. But no, Blondielocks is the one out there flapping her gums on the matter. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'll have my tell-all book ready by the time January 08 gets here - 'Dana Perino: Dark Heart, Dark Roots'.

So what was I doing yesterday while the press babe was busy blowing... her assignment. (Ha ha, I couldn't resist that, it helps me deal with my bitterness.) You won't believe this, so I'm giving a link, but that b*tch had me dealing with the f*king g*damn death bound turkeys. No sh*t. Pardon my French, but that f*ing wh*re really got me steamed.

"That's a job for an intern," I tell her, my disgust clearly telegraphed by my blazing eyes.

"All the interns are off this week, Little Tony," she says, tossing that pretty blonde mane of hers in a manner clearly intended to get my goat. I decide to assert my authority and tell her that I'm going to pass this particular assignment down to the Assistant Deputy Press Secretary.

"Oh I'm sorry, Little Tony," she tells me, laughing in that ingratiating little way that some people are so fond of. "The Assistant Deputy Press Secretary is accompanying the President to the pardoning ceremony. Remember, you got to go the first year you were here."

My blood ran cold. So that was that. Without a word, I stomped on back to my office where I spent the day taking turkey calls and sending out cutesy little emails about the names of those foul beasts. Stuff like this. "I'm on pins and needles! I honestly don't know --- the draft remarks I saw have blank spaces!" Pins and needles, my keister! Certainly no job for a real man.

But enough of my complaining. I'm taking the weekend off, and I'm talking Thursday through Sunday. Maybe even come in late on Monday.

Nahh, that's just my pride talking. I can't leave the American people in the lurch like that. It would be wrong, at a time when the position of Press Secretary is filled in such a tentative manner. After all, I'm Tony Fratto, Deputy White House Press Secretary, not a man to be trifled with.


2007, Mark Hoback