From my lips to your ear

Tony Fratto
Deputy White House Press Secretary

"If anyone wants to call the president a liar, they are misreading the situation for their own political purposes. The liar is Ahmadinejad, and he has a lot of explaining to do." - Press babe Dana Perino

Dammit man, I'll be the first one to admit that Dana is a total babe, but the things that come out of that girl's mouth are enough to give a healthy man angina. "The liar's not the president, the liar is Ahmadinejad." Doesn't that sound kind of like she's got some schoolgirl crush on the boss? Except that when she says Mahmoud's name, it comes out as 'Armin Denny Jad'. I was hanging out in the press room yesterday, and the guys all had a little game they were playing, something Helen Thomas dreamed up. Each time Dana would say 'Armin Denny Jad', everybody would take a big chug. Of course it was only coffee, but let me tell you, by the time it was over, you couldn't even get near the press johns.

The girl needs help, badly, and as the President's Deputy White House Press Secretary, or as I like to call myself, The Tough Guy's Tough Guy, I think I'm the one that can give it to her. Take a listen to how defensive she got at the press briefing when they started badgering her about the President's World War III statements back in October.

"The president didn't say we're going to cause World War III," she says, her full, red upper lip noticeably twitching. "He was saying he wanted to avoid World War III." Dana gives them a stern look with her gorgeous eyes, and tosses back her golden locks. The she said something about 'Armin Denny Jad', and the the whole room was spewing coffee.

I would have said "Yeah, the president still wants World War III, and we're gonna need you on the front lines, wiseass." Then I would have bought everybody doughnuts, just like Big Tony used to do, and tell them a funny story about the twins (off the record of course).

You've got to treat the press like a lover - seduce them, reject them, seduce them again, find out about their innermost needs, reject them once more, and then buy them a box of Krispy Kremes. (Why do they call them Krispy Kremes, anyway? There's nothing crispy about them, at least not if you eat them while they're relatively fresh. I mean, I've had them when they were four or five days old and they still weren't crispy, just a little dry, but fine as long as you warmed them up in the microwave.)

What the hell, my mind is wandering, life sucks and then you die. I just can't get over the cruel irony of the fact that I get less face time with the media now than I used to get back when I was just the Assistant Deputy White House Press Secretary, and big Tony was still in charge. People don't even recognize me on the street anymore. Last night Blondielocks was on 'The O'Reilly Factor' while I was stuck talking to some idiot from 'Little Green Footballs'. And they didn't even use the interview.

I guess I can take some comfort in the knowledge that even though she looks good enough to be a FOX News Babe, there's no way in hell they're ever going to let her host. Tony Perino, on the other hand, is likely... What? Did I really just type Tony Perino? Oh crap, Freudian slip, my day is ruined.

Well, I've got to run, Boss lady wants some new pencils, and it looks like I'm the right man to sharpen them. Don't worry about me, though, I'm a survivor. After all, I'm Tony Fratto, Deputy White House Press Secretary, not a man to be trifled with.


2007, Mark Hoback