The Devil is in My Pants
Ann Coulter

May 5, 2005 |



Liberals have been unusually hysterical the past few weeks. If you have half a brain you'll agree with that. Hysteria derives from the Greek word 'hystera', which means womb, and hysteria was defined by the sort of bizarre behavior which can occur when the womb somehow becomes transported to other places in the body, such as the feet. Now obviously this is crazy, which is why the great Sigmund Freud concluded that women were "inherently hysterical, overly emotional, and volatile". And why are they that way? Because they want a penis. You really can't argue with Freud, can you, seeing as he's dead.

Tom Delay is a good example of a man who makes liberals hysterical. They see him and are driven half mad by their desire to have a penis, any penis, even if it belongs to the House Majority leader. Exactly just what law has Delay supposedly broken? Ask a liberal to their face, and they'll mumble and won't speak up no matter how many times you ask them. "Where there's fire, there's combustion," they'll say. I, for one, see that as an inadequate argument. I mean, Jeez!

Close your eyes and try to imagine this. Aaron Brown, looking oh so serious, says "Embattled Rep. Tom DeLay came under fire again today when it was disclosed that he said that it was wrong for miracle firefighter Donald Herbert to be used in... No, wait. We believe in playing God, and... oh, man, am I confused. I better turn now live to Wolf Blitzer, who is stalking pretty blonde pundit Ann Coulter outside of her New York apartment building. Wolf, could you ask Ms Coulter if this bombshell spells the end for the combative Tom DeLay?"

"I'm sorry, Aaron, Coulter is looking at me askance, and I really fear for my well being if I bring up the topic with her. I'll have to admit that it's a foolish topic. I think I'm going to ask her about U.N. ambassador nominee John Bolton instead. Ms Coulter, do you believe that John Bolton is getting the Emmanuel Goldstein treatment from the Demoncrats?"

That's a good question, Aaron. As you might expect, I have read '1984' from cover to cover, and perhaps the most telling portion is the sheep-like liberal populace indulging in their 'two minutes hate' sessions, when they should be at their desks, getting some work done for a change. Is it any wonder that President Bush fully understands the need to end the cradle to grave federal employment system and move it in to merit pay?

I think not. If there was merit pay, that cute little orangutan Katie Couric would be sucking cock for a living rather than clicking around in her admittedly lovely stiletto heels and showing highlights from 'American Idol'. But an American Idol is something that Katie will never be, since her program is clearly geared to appeal to the American idle, who are watching television in their pajamas, if they even bother to get that dressed up.

Attack John Bolton, will they? I think he's a pretty good looking guy, myself, certainly not one of those timid little milquetoasts who allow themselves to be pushed around by their underlings, and refuse to give proper respect to their superiors. Those poor hysterical liberals, wishing in vain for a penis of their own. I much prefer the tactics of Armin Meiwes, who at least took matters into his own Hans.

2005, Mark Hoback