Read My Hips
Ann Coulter

August 4, 2005 |

In retrospect, I deeply apologize for all the nasty things I've said about the people responsible for putting David Souter on the Supreme Court. I know, I can be a real bitch at times. I'll be the first to admit it. Okay, not the first to admit, but right up there in the top ten. The point is, compared to what we know about John Roberts, Souter was a dream nominee. I don't know why I've spent so much time bad-mouthing Souter - I suppose it's that I always thought he was a fag. A conservative fag but nonetheless a member of the simpering class. Was that mean spirited of me? I know, I can be very judgmental at times. I'll be the first to admit it. Okay, not the first to admit, but right up there in the top ten.

John G Roberts is a horse of another color entirely. I would have to say that he is even worse than that turncoat Senator Frist, who as the Catholic League recently noted is even worse than John Kerry. Not that I give a fig about the Catholic League, which supports the idea of their leadership wearing dresses (such ugly ones, too!) and staying away from the womenfolk, which as we all know, leads directly to child buggery. Roberts says that he loves his children. Oh yeah. I bet he does.

And just what is Roberts' big conservative money shot? Ha! As a judge, he upheld the arrest of a girl for eating French fries on a subway. Well, bully for him. I hate the idea of ever having to ride on a subway, packed in there with all the sweaty migrant workers and delusional gas-saving liberals, but the thought of riding with french-fry eating children who put their greasy little hands on everything is more than I can stomach. 

Too make matters worse, Roberts claimed that he disagreed with the french-fry eating law, but since it was the law... yada yada yada. So I guess once he is on the Supreme Court we can look forward to him promoting all sorts of special legislation to protect fat girls. I'll bet the man pops a pudgy when he's riding the subway and sees a picture of those 'Dove girls', with their ridiculous 'Real women have curves' propaganda. Oh my god, have you seen those cows? Talk about too many french-fries, these girls take the cake. And after they take the cake, it's quite obvious they eat every last bite of it. Jumping around like a bunch of drug addicts in their white (white!) bras and panties as if someone might be interested. I suppose someone might be, if you consider Roberts a someone.

Some pundits have suggested that I have been acting as a subterfuge with my opposition to Roberts, hoping to convince Democrats that if the man is too far left for me then he might be an acceptable nominee. Nothing could be further from the truth. My opposition is grounded as much in aesthetics as it is in politics.  No, I must say to chubby chaser Roberts, real women don't have curves. Real women have bones.

2005, Mark Hoback