Stop the Filibastards
Ann Coulter

April 28, 2005 |

Democrats are going as crazy as a herd of leprous monkeys in heat about the idiotic act known as the filibuster. DON'T STOP READING OR I WILL KILL YOU! OR HAVE MY HUNK OF A BODYGUARD KILL YOU! I AM NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE HISTORY OF THE FILIBUSTER ALL BY MY SELF! Republicans have got to learn better than getting into all these technicalities with the Democrats, because liberals are better at technicalities. They win with nuance; we win with broad strokes. And this broad is telling you that it doesn't get much more nuanced than a discussion of the Senate filibuster.

The very roots of the word is instructive. We have fili, which comes for the Latin word filius, which translates to 'the will of the people'. Then we have bust, which is good old English for smash, to trample under foot like some piece of garbage. Thus filibuster means the act of subverting the will of the people and wiping your nose with the truth, and those who practice this loathsome practice are filibastards.

Do you understand now? Good Lord, what do I need to do, require some sort of literacy test before you're allowed to read this column? At a filibuster all the fillibastards enter into what they snidely call 'extended debate', but which is nothing of the kind, and resembles a roomful of jabbering chimpanzees yanking their cranks for hour after endless hour. "Meee, meee, meee," they go, like they're trying to woo all the cute blonde female chimpanzees with their ridiculously inane mating call. It's a wonder that there are any baby chimpanzees at all, and not just gorillas (Republicans, if you're following my metaphor), who say what they mean, and take what they want.

That's the theory at least about Republican men, but lately we are starting to see a real sissification of the breed, like they've been eyeing all the chimpanzees pretty things. It's no excuse that the Democrats are lying SOBs. They always have been. Republicans have got to learn to call them on it more forcefully. The 'nuclear option' which sets the liberal tongues a twitter is nothing more than stating clearly that 'Majority vote wins', and anyone else can die quickly if they're lucky, otherwise it will be a slow lingering death, unless they live, which won't be any picnic either, since their hair will all fall out and they'll be covered head to toe with festering sores. (This is as opposed to the Democrats' mantra, which is 'Our side always wins', and nobody gets covered with festering sores.)

Just what are these filibastards filibustering about, anyhow? Do they really hate blacks that much, or do they just hate the blacks like Janice Rogers Brown who won't bow down and call them massa and won't allow 14-year-old girls to have abortions without parental consent or at least some Tylenol? Is it because Brown doesn't hate America and all that it stands for? Okay, that last charge was a bit spurious on my part, because we all know that America stands for many things, one of which is 'Pants Down Thursdays', and liberals seem to love that.

Democrats loonies want to terrify people by claiming Bush's judicial nominees are nutcase extremists hell-bent on shredding the Constitution -- what's their point? That if we refuse to recognize the holy union of 'Adam & Steve' as being blessed in the All-Seeing Eye of the Pyramid of Liberty on the back of the Great American Greenback, their throbbing loins will be in any way denied? They're going to do their foul deed irregardless, at least till the next election cycle.

Annuit Coeptis (oh, go look it up) should be the new Republican rallying call, and these filibustering filibastards will be seen for what they are - nothing but hot-air baboons.

2005, Mark Hoback