Losing My Head Over Gitmo
Ann Coulter

June 17, 2005

< Hello... Mister Murdoch... what a surprise. Why, yes, I'm feeling just fine. Just a little hungry, that's all... You missed me - what do you mean?... Yes sir. What do you mean, sir?... Oh, yes, absolutely, I filed my column early, on Wednesday... You saw it... Uh... Uh... Yes sir... Well, you see, June 15th is 'Giorno Divertente' in Italy... Yes sir, I know that you're not Italian. It means Funny Day, kind of like April 1st in this country... That would be April Fool's day, sir, when you play jokes on people... Perhaps not... I've seen funnier, too... Oh, no sir, no disrespect to The Committee, none at all. I love those guys... Yes sir, they are the best. I say that all the time... I do! I'm just a big kidder, that's all... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Holy cow!... No, I didn't mean it that way. It's just that I would love Greta's time slot... Oh, uh... No... Well, I'm sorry that you feel let down. But like I said, it was Giorno Divertente and I... Yes sir. I mean no sir, I'm not Italian... Yes... Yes sir, I will cut the crap... My regular column? It's uh, it's uh... Was it supposed to be about Gitmo?... No... No, the reason I asked was because The Committee had been having a little fun with me, you know, Giorno Divertente, and sending me old talking points... They're not?... Well, you're right, there's nothing wrong with bringing up the rear... Yes sir, and may I say you have a fine rear yourself... No... No Sir, no problem at all getting it in today... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Just two hundred words? But I always do five hundred, and sometimes six, seven, eight hundred words... No sir... No. I have absolutely no problem taking orders... Okay... Yes sir... And how long is the probation period?... Okay. You'll let me know... Hahahaha sir, you're right, Greta did dodge a bullet... Okay... You can count on me sir... Bye-bye.>

This weeks column is going to be a little bit shorter than usual because it's on Gitmo, and what can I say that hasn't been said better by the illustrious members of The Committee? Not much, I suppose. It would be the heart of folly to shut down Camp Gitmo, because it really is the nicest torture camp we have. I know the liberals sure hunger for the chance to visit Cuba, and who can blame them? Casinos, sun-drenched Latin hotties in tiny bikinis and cabana boys in those little white shorts. Oh my, our middle-eastern guests get to puff away on those wonderful Cuban cigars, while our own fighting men are lucky to score a stale pack of Luckies. What sort of luck is that? Rush is right, as he always is - our detainees are living a lifestyle that most Americans would envy. Two kinds of fruit at every meal, except for lunch, where they get pie.

I see I'm almost out of time, but I would like to tell you a cute story before I go. Last week I met a former detainee who told me a sad story about how he hadn't had a bite all week. So I bit him.

2005, Mark Hoback