I Haven't Eaten in a Millennia
Ann Coulter

May 19, 2005

It's always important to get liberals to stop eating long enough to make a hard prediction about anything. Oops. Did I just say eating? What I meant was talking. They can't stop talking. This week we will review big-mouth liberal predictions on bringing democracy to Iraq.

When they weren't hoping against hope that the Iraq elections would not take place at all because, if they did, people would forget about those weapons of mass destruction that the liberals are so very obsessed with the lefties were telling us that if we let those crazy Arabs vote, they would  just elect some insane Islamic mullah like Sheik Yerbouti who would be hostile to the United States and call us names. As you may recall, Sheik Yerbouti was a fictional Arab created by radical chowderhead Frank Zappa to poke fun at the concept that any Muslim nation would ever embrace democracy. He was dead wrong and now he's dead.

Iraq's first democratically elected government in like forever has a Shia prime rib and a Cornish president and several yummy cabinet ministers. (Excuse me. Did I say yummy? I meant Sunni.) In fact, toss in a couple of dowdy lesbians from the Green Party and it would look a lot like Vermont's state house. I mean, really. Doesn't Vermont have some of the ugliest lesbians you've ever seen? I think we should start doing air-drops of lipstick over Burlington.

Also this week, Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari said he would like a woman as his fourth deputy prime minister. Yeah, him and Bill Clinton. God, is this stuff dry. Why don't I just put down a big batch of funny sounding names until I've got five hundred words. Fat Muqtada al-Sadr. Heh, heh. That's a good one. Although the word fat makes me think of food, and I am starving. Ayatollah Ruhollah. Rep. Ali Abu Jeffords. Oh man, is that rich. Can you imagine Jeffords in a turban? Hilbahr al-Rodham Clinton. Hee, hee.

Oh, foo. Only three hundred and twenty-nine words, and I'm out of funny names. Three hundred forty-three words. Three hundred forty-eight words. Does anybody really think I give a shit about the Iraqi people. Three hundred sixty-five words. Let me quote myself. Didn't I say that we should "invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity"? Didn't I? I did, didn't I? Three hundred ninety-two words. Okay. Objective one, check. Objective two, check. But as far as I can tell, they still worship camels.

Do you know what a free, democratic would like to do? They would like to go to a good Tapas bar, like Dali's in Somerville. They would like the liberty to sample several of those mouthwatering little dishes, like baked goat cheese with tomato and basil, or saffron battered fried shrimp with mojo sauce, or even braised rabbit with red wine, juniper and garlic. And the salmon balls with caper sauce are to die for. Because after all, isn't that what freedom is all about? Five hundred and two.

I always give a little extra.

2005, Mark Hoback