June 23, 2005


If you still have any doubts about whether we should close down the Guantanamo bay prison, consider the fact that Jimmy Carter demanded it be closed. If that doesn't grill your cheese, I don't know what will. You remember Jimmy Carter, don't you? Stagnant economy, foreign terrorists, high gas prices, and over taxation of the very people who keep our economy churning. Jimmy Carter. I get nauseous just writing those words. And IMHO, he was the least cute president ever. If Saint Ronnie hadn't been waiting in the wings, this nation might now be smoldering on the slag heap of history. Have you ever seen that place? It's filthy.

Dick Durbin. You know what he said. Bad things. "Pol Pot gulag Nazi marines. I hate America". That's a paraphrase, but I believe it captures the essence of his statement quite clearly. Where is the move to put this man to death? The culture has drifted my friends, drifted towards the slimy seaweed cesspools of the Sargasso Sea, which the liberals, of course, would like to spend your tax dollars in harvesting. Cars that run on seaweed? Don't make me giggle Albert Gore.

Amnesty International calls Guantanamo a "gulag." Are they insane? Here's a picture of a gulag. Doesn't look too inviting, does it, shoveling all day, sleeping twenty to a bed. Now here's a picture of Guantanamo Bay. Look how green everything is.

Sen. Teddy Kennedy says he cannot condone allegations of near-drowning "as a human being." That just makes me laugh aloud, that alcoholic talking about drowning in anything other than a pool of his own puke. He certainly didn't seem to mind the concept of drowning back in 1969 when he drove Mary Jo Kopechne off a bridge and into icy waters, resulting in her death as well as the death of all her unborn children, one of whom might have grown up and discovered the cure for Aids, which the liberals seem to care about more than their own soldiers. I guess that's because they're more likely to get Aids than they are to get a clue.

I'm thinking that right now might be a good time for some bullet points. I get a lot of mail about my bullet points, much of it positive. So here we go, five Ann Coulter torture guidelines that should be acceptable to even the wackiest members of the lunatic left.

It's not torture if

• Frank Rich mentions it in a review in the New York Times. Hey, did you see his piece on 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants'? I liked that movie, and Rich claims that it was 'torture' to sit through? What an idiot.
• Andrew Sullivan has ever solicited it from total strangers on the Internet. Ooh, that was naughty, wasn't it. Poor Andrew has strayed the past couple of years, and besides, he just seems so faggy these days.
• You can pay someone in New York to do it to me. Let me be honest. I have really winnowed the list down. You can buy anything in this town.
• Karen Finley ever got a federal grant to do it. You remember Karen Finley, don't you? Oh come on, you guys are barely literate. She was the 'artiste' who used to get naked and cover herself with rich creamy milk chocolate and scream. She was delicious.
• It's comparable to the treatment U.S. troops received in basic training; You do remember what House Armed Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter said the other day about the delicious chicken dinners at Gitmo, and how sometimes prisoners would be tortured by forcing them to eat GI rations. Well? That's not torture!

I could probably come up with a hundred things that aren't torture if I put my mind to it, like Bar 89 on Mercer Street. Oh god, you've got to try their Tartini. It's made with Charbay Ruby Red Grapefruit Vodka and guava nectar, and it has a hefty slice of mango on the side. Five or six of those and you won't be hungry again for hours.

Hold on, hold on, I know I'm already at seven hundred words, but I haven't made a Clinton joke yet. Okay, here's something else that's not torture - if you're treated the same way that interns were in the Clinton White House. Hee, hee, hee. That didn't make sense.

Good Lord, this Camp Gitmo thing would be laughable if it were not so funny. You know the drill. Lemon chicken. Volleyball. Free Korans. Two kinds of fruit. Air conditioning. Cable TV. Sesame chicken. Pets on premises. Agatha Christie mysteries in Arabic. Teriyaki chicken with cashews. Oh the drudgery.

It could be said that we all live in a prison to some degree or another. The prison of our ideologies, the prison of our fears, the prison that we create every time we look out into the world with cynical eyes. It could be said that we're all prisoners in this life. But you'll never hear it from me.