'NEWSWEEK Dissembled, Muslims Dismembered! Wait -that doesn't make any sense'
Ann Coulter (Archive)

May 19, 2005 |


When ace reporter Michael Isikoff had the scoop of the decade - because really, what else was happening - a thoroughly soused story about the president of the United States having his knob polished by an unpleasantly plump intern and then pressuring her to lie about it under oath, is it any wonder that Newsweek just up and decided not to run the story? I think not. My friend, Matt Drudge, one of the most respected names in journalism, scooped Newsweek. Ha! His Pulitzer for that piece stood as the first shot across the bow of the sinking ship of the main street liberal media.

So then Isikoff comes up with a detailed account of Kathleen Willey's nasty sexual encounter with Willie's willie in the Ovum Orifice, backed up with eyewitness and documentary evidence, Newsweek decided not to run it. Again, Matt Drudge got the story, along with his second Pulitzer.

When Isikoff was (again!) the first with detailed reporting on Paula Jones' accusations against the horndog-in-chief, Newsweek once again decided not to run it. The American Spectacle got the story, followed by me, followed by Drudge. Ha, ha, Matt. You can't win em all. And Isikoff canít win any of them! Youíd think if he had even a lick of self-respect, he would have found another job.

All of which is to point out that it's possible for Michael Isikoff to have a story that actually is true, but for his editors not to run it. And it is also a great opportunity for me to bring up my arch-nemesis, the scumbag known as Willie.

Why no pause for reflection when Isikoff had a story about American interrogators at Guantanamo flushing the Quran down the toilet like some soiled Clinton hanky? (A panky hanky, if you know what I mean). Why not sit on this story for, say, even half as long as NBC News sat on Lisa Meyers' highly credible account of Clinton raping Juanita Broaddrick? Sure, our first presidential rapist since FDR, and him you're going to protect.

Newsweek is going to change its name to Newsgeek. I just thought that up and called Matt and told him, but he told me he was on hold with the dog face lady from al-Jazeera, which I believed at first, but Jeez, dog face lady doesn't even show up in my Lexus-Nexus unless I pair it with Hillary, and even then, it only gives me two sources. (Maybe he meant Helen Thomas. Iíll call him back.)

Who's deciding which of Isikoff's stories to run and which to hold? I note that the ones that Matt Drudge runs have turned out to be a whole lot more accurate -- and interesting! -- and hot! --than the ones Newsweek runs. Maybe Newsweek should start running everything past Matt Drudge. I know I do. I got this little see-through chemise type top in aqua, and ran it past Matt, and he didn't notice, so I ran over his stupid Bassett hound that just sits like an idiot in his driveway, and he still didn't notice, so I dressed up like Mamie Eisenhower, and he still didn't notice, so I got Sammy Hager to do a mariachi kind of thing in front of his house, and he got a restraining order.  

It seems so long ago that I first wrote about serial rapist Bill Clinton, the man who put my name on the map, which is the only good thing he ever did except for murdering Vince Foster, who was a load and a half if you really got to know him, which I didnít of course, but Shelly Ethridge did, and for her troubles he raped her but not nearly with the compassion of a Big Willie rape, because truth be told, the man was a very good rapist which is why he never got caught other than by me and Matt, although of course congress was suspicious enough to impeach him, and yet, there he was in office two years later. I wish Clinton was still in Newsweek.

Well, heís not, and neither is the story from a few weeks ago about Saudi Arabia arresting 40 Christians for "trying to spread their poisonous religious beliefs." What happened next? Were they thrown to the camels with jelly on their feet and sharp tailed Arabian ants in their pants while Saudis ate honeyed dates and laughed? I donít know. I looked in Newsweek and couldnít find out. But on the other hand, give the liberal media a story about American interrogators defacing the Quran, and journalists are so appalled that they soil their britches in righteous indignation -- before they dash off to see the latest exhibition of "Piss Christ." Okay, I donít even know if thatís still being displayed, but it still pisses me off. (Pardon the word play!) Like a crucifix in a mason jar full of urine is art? Oh my god, Iíll bet my turd in a punchbowl piece is priceless.

Ironically, among the reasons Newsweek gave for killing Isikoff's Lewinsky bombshell was that their cowardly cretin of an editor was worried someone might get hurt. I am not kidding you Ė thatís what they said, at least according to Matt, and Matt is just the cutest thing, I like to pinch his cheeks and go Ďwoogie woogie woogieí He said that the editor said that Lewinsky said that if the story comes out, "I'll fucking kill myself." See, thatís the sort of gutter talking big butt girl that Bill Clinton liked to torpedo.

Newsweek couldn't wait to run a story that everybody with any sense knew would send the Islamic savages into murderous riots in Afghanistan. Tell me again why I should care, as long as theyíre just killing themselves. These are people who stone rape victims to death because the family "honor" has been violated? My dog is more human than that and I donít even have a dog, much the way that Bill Clinton didnít even have a conscience, which of course he did, it was just a bad conscience, much the way my dog is a bad dog, and yet is still more human than the sort of people who would stone an innocent rape victim. Even Bill Clinton wouldnít have stoned an innocent rape victim, although Iím sure that he got stoned with plenty of them.

Come to think of it, which is what Iím doing right now, I donít know that Iím all that upset about Newsweek inciting violence among people who view ancient Buddhist statues as something more than lawn ornaments, and like to fly planes into American skyscrapers. Maybe we should just start making up these stories and film the carnage afterwards for reality TV. Okay, Newsweek, you did good this time, even though you havenít had me on the cover like TIME, but then on the other hand, you didnít do a lousy cover shot like TIME, so thatís a wash. But Iím just warning you hear ahead of time (ahead of TIME!), Iím not committing unless you get me Annie Leibowitz.


©2005, Mark Hoback