April 21, 2005

After my column last week, in which I noted the deadly proliferation of flying fruit filled pastries on the secular American wasteland known as the college schoolyard, I received a shock which chilled me to the bottom of my shallow yet pretty soul. Another act of cowardice by a judicial system run amuck. (Or should I say run in muck? Oh, both. I've got words to burn.) It seems that charges brought against my needle-dick assailants were dropped like a bar of soap in Bill Clinton's shower stall. And the self-loathing prosecutor had the unmitigated gall to imply that the new found freedom of the 'Deliverance' boys was a result of me exercising my freedom of choice to not show up for the trial and defend myself against the indefensible.

At least that's what chief criminal deputy David Berkman (or should I say David Jerkman?) splashed all over the pages of the Arizona Daily Star, a liberal rag that I choose not to read. Do you know what's worse than a pie in the face? A lying disgrace.

Of course, as Socrates once asked, what is the truth? Certainly not something you are going to find in any newspaper, such as the New York Times, or even worse, the Arizona Daily Star, which is just like the New York Times, except it doesn't have any ads from the finer boutiques, or tips about good new bars in my neighborhood. I found a great one recently, Naboks, where you can get dinner and a drink for just seven dollars. They put the olive right inside the gin so you can carry it around with you.

The press? Oh, you can't live with them, and you can't kill them, at least according to most states, which have taken away our right to kill retards. Find that in the constitution. You just can't.

Did you know that I have a bodyguard who can strangle you with his bare hands; none of that sissy piano wire foolishness. Does the prosecutor know this? How about the reporter? Huh? Do you? You sniveling little girly boys. Bruno can do it to you right now. Can you pick him up at the airport?

I think that it's just about time for some bullet points. Here are some of the 'facts' that were printed by the glorified roll of toilet paper known as the Arizona Daily Star. They report, we deride.

• "Pima County prosecutors plan to take another shot at two men accused of throwing pies at political writer Ann Coulter, even though she didn't show up at their first trial last month." Ha. I just looked up Pima in Webster, and found out that it is the 'Uto-Aztec language of the Pima', which is about as self-referential as anything I've heard all day.
   
• "Smith and Wolff were scheduled to go to trial March 18, but neither Coulter nor the arresting officer showed up, Berkman said." Smith and Wolff, huh? Maybe they should meet my little protégée Dr. Mikey and his friends Smith and Wesson. Dr. Mikey would do anything to try on my Stuart Weitzmans, and this could be his golden opportunity to wiggle his way into my footwear.
   
• "Coulter was sent repeated notices of the court date and she will be notified of the new court date as well, Berkman said. He said it should also be noted that Coulter never contacted prosecutors to find out the resolution of the case." Oh, this is such a lie that all I can do is laugh. Ha, ha, ha.

Here is the truth. I just hope that you are not reading it in a newspaper, because then it may have been altered in an attempt to make me look foolish. So if I am not 100% convincing, I urge you to come to my web site and read all the missing parts. But what if this is one of the paragraphs that is left out? Then what? I think it's becoming pretty clear that freedom of the press is now only a facade for shutting out any and all conservative thought. Damn it!

Here is what I wrote to the scum-buckets in Arizona after receiving one of the notices that I never received.

I remain very committed to pressing charges. You bet I am. What is the date of the trial? I hope that it's not in the springtime. I have a photo shoot in the spring with the renowned photojournalist David Burnett, so I'll be really busy. I do not live in AZ and it may be difficult for me to get there for the trial. Do you think you could move the trial to New York? You're a dear. Does the prosecutor believe he will have to call me as a witness? If so, my appearance fee is $25,000. There is a videotape of the entire event and I can let you have that for considerably cheaper, although it carries none of the excitement of a live appearance.

Take that Pima County. Why do you think I would have this on my computer if it were not a factual document, one that was sent to you, and which you brazenly ignored. I was never asked to attend any trial. My agent was never contacted about my appearance fee. I bet you would never treat a rape victim this way. Well, what do you think this was? I was almost raped with a pie, and you can't even send me a postcard? 

I'm giving you another chance, Berkman. I'll come to Arizona pro bono, as long as you let FOX send a long a camera crew for a 'making of' documentary. I will attend the trial with relish. Maybe I'll even give another speech while I'm there. It's hard to predict what I might do, being free, white and twenty-one. And female. And extremely attractive. That's threatening to you, isn't it Berkman? I hear that all your female prosecutors have been resigning. They say that you don't like girls, and girls don't like you. That's right. I read it in the Arizona Dailey Star, so it must be true.