A Shocker Dons Her Cleats
Ann Coulter

July 21, 2005

This is a shocking column, even coming from me, so I suggest that anyone who has not yet learned to think for themselves to stop reading this moment. Go on. Scoot. Get the hell out of here. Go listen to Neal Boortz yammer on about something, not Ann Coulter. I'm sizzling. I'm red hot and ready to rock. I'm controversial at my least, and blue electric at my most.

As is my wont, I'm calling things exactly like I see them. And I see OJ. 'Seeing OJ' is currently a hip term among all the young conservative cognoscenti. It means an act of moral cowardice. When one hears another lie filled proclamation spewing forth from the deranged delusions of dirty Dick Durbin, what else is there to say but 'I see OJ'.

After months (that darn Rehnquist!) of pretending to consider women and other minorities for the Supreme Court, President Bush has decided to mess with the minds of everyone everywhere by nominating a white male. And a boring no-name white male at that. Look closely.  I see OJ.

John G Roberts. A white guy, hoo hah. That means he can't dance, doesn't like fried chicken, and unlike me, doesn't even know who JZ is. Shinoozle, girlfriend, yo bang on it.

What else they ta know bout da cracker What else do we know about John Roberts? Nada. Big zero. Pasta fazool He's a blank slate. Tabula rasa. White bread and board. He's argued cases before the Supreme Court. Big deal; so have I.

The fact that I don't know this guy speaks volumes. You know Judge Souter? The ugly little guy who looks like Pat Paulson, and always stands in the back of the group photos? Yeah. We didn't know anything about him when Bush's equally limp-wristed daddy put him on the court and he turned into a flaming liberal. You know the only way to stop a flaming liberal? Throw a bucket of water on them. Hee hee.

What's his name again? John Roberts. So many questions. Does he trust democracy? Can he make a cherry pie? He looks pretty good, but can he drive a girl wild with just one touch? Does he live in a small, rough-hewn cabin in the woods of New Hampshire and avoid "women folk"? Because guys like that are really creepy, all politics aside.  If he were trapped on a desert island with just one blonde constitutional scholar, who would it be? Me or Brad Pitt? The answer to these questions would go a long way to determining his potential effectiveness on the court.

It means less than nothing that Roberts wrote briefs arguing for the repeal of Roe v. Wade when he worked for Republican administrations. I mean, duh. That was his job, wasn't it? The question is whether or not he would choose to abort his own baby, or the baby of his significant other. Or insignificant other. I don't know anything about the man. Emperor caveat. Look what he said in the footnotes

"In the interest of full disclosure, the author...  [snip] ... do not necessarily reflect his views as an advocate for his former client, the United States."

And here is the connection which ties my whole column together. Those weasel words are the legal equivalent of, if like after O.J.'s acquittal,  Johnnie Cochran was to say, "Hey, I never said the guy was innocent. I was just doing my job." Think about it. I SEE OJ! (Do you know what OJ's last words were to Nichole? Your waiter will be with you in a minute! Hee hee).

So, anyway, what do you think of them apples? Here we are with a majority in the Senate. We also have a majority in the House, state legislatures, state governorships, and our Republican president tosses us a nobody! Let me just remind you that I Was Available, And I'm Not A Nobody! Not only am I the living embodiment of conservative ideology, but the boys all tell me I'm pretty easy on the eyes. So yeah, I'm against the president's nominee. Why shouldn't I be? When Demoncrats like Hairy Reid say that Roberts is 'in the ballpark', I'm understandably worried that I might meet OJ on the playing field.


2005, Mark Hoback