Truth is a
This is both easier and more effective than just writing about such a black and white issue as the laws of God, because one knows instinctively whether something is wrong or something is right, but how do you put that knowledge into human words? It's a quandary for many, but I think that bullet points are the ultimate answer. A bullet point, by it's very nature, implies truth, truth so in your face obvious that it needs no supporting details. Adjectives? Ha, not with a bullet point.
That's what got me through college. I remember in my junior year I had this haughty homosexual professor that I'll call Andy. One day Professor Willis took me aside after class and said "Ann, the rest of the students barely know how to indent, and here you are with bullet points. You're really going somewhere." And going somewhere I did - straight to the Dean's office, where I filed harassment charges against the man. First they flatter your bullets, then they reach for your thighs.
The bullet points I want to make today somehow draw a line down the middle of the insanity that is secular America. I don't know how they I do this. How does Frito-Lay make Cheetos 50% cheesier, when that are already as cheesy as cheesy can be? If I knew these things, I could market them. My process, however, is simple.
I put on my white silk pajamas (more of a cream color really), and get a cold mocha frappuccino out of the fridge. I like mine on ice - it keeps me from slurping it down so quickly. Those things have about a million calories. Then I like to scrunch my eyes together really tight and smoke a Gauloises Blonde while I think about the salient points for the topic on hand. And then the bullets just pop out of my fingers on their own. I don't even look down at the keyboard, I just let my digits do the talking while I watch 'The Bold and The Beautiful'. Do you know Drew Tyler Bell on that show? He plays Thomas Forrester, the teenage son of Ridge Forrester and Taylor Hayes Forrester. He's really a lot older than he looks on screen, and he is such a doll baby... Let me put it this way - I just wish I was about fiver years younger.
But back to the ten commandments. I'm exasperated. I don't know what else to do except give you bullet points on the sort of 'speech' the high court is willing to sanction. And the tragic thing is, they're using your tax dollars to fund these vile actions, many of which do verifiable harm to your children, if you're pathetic enough to send them to public schools to begin with. (I mean, you should never be that poor.) For example, here is what you might learn in a public 'school': How to put a condom on a banana. No, I'm not kidding. At first I thought this was a good idea. I mean, when I open a banana, what do I do with the rest of it after I get filled up? You've still got two thirds of a banana left... But then I found out they weren't teaching banana conservation at all!
That's the sort of thing I want to make bullet points for.
Wow, I'm at the end of my column and I've only used four of my bullet points. I guess next week's piece is in the bag.
©2005, Mark Hoback