Don't Cry to Me, Venezuela
Ann Coulter

August 25, 2005

Sometimes it's hard life being one of America's leading conservative thinkers. Not to mention the additional stress caused by the burden of being America's prettiest right wing pundit (unless you count Michelle Malkin, who is clearly of a foreign persuasion - look at the eyes, people!) This difficulty is a result of the demands required to be a team player in the march for a renewed America; demands that are sometimes a by-product of the insipid talking points provided to my discerning cranium by The Committee

Imagine. You sit down at the keyboard with your Mocha Frappuccino and Gauloises Blondes, open your briefing papers, and find that The Committee™ wants you to write about how the mainstream media is getting more conservative. Big woof! Oh, I am so sure that a story like that is going to get me a ton of air time. Yeah guys, what will it be next week? A column on the proposed new fuel economy standards for light trucks?

But yes, alas, I am a team player, so here goes. Big media is big business. The US is becoming evermore politically conservative. Viewers mean money. Big media needs a big audience, and therefore is moving to the right.


Now to the real news of the day. This is one of those weeks where I have been out-staged. Usually that is something I just hate, but this week is somewhat different, because the out-stager is a man-of-God. Not that I'm not a girl-of-God, but it's not what I do for a living. (Maybe when I start to lose my looks; we'll see when the time comes).  I have to admit that Pat Robertson is a genius, a man with uncommon gifts, one of which is his ability to speak the blunt truth time after time without suffering all the negative repercussions that the rest of have to deal with whenever we say something a little bit 'controversial'.

Does Venezuelan strong-man Hugo Chavez need to be killed, as Robertson suggested this week. Of course he does. Even President Bush won't deny it. Why would he care about the well being of a dictator who called him an A--H---? Cheney, I understand, was tickled pink that someone threw the option on the table. And Rummy, who much like me is working this month, just smiles and says 'Aw, we can't do that, it's against the law'. Meanwhile, Pat can just mumble an apology, and come back to speak truth the next day on the 700 Club. If we're lucky, next week will see him calling for Cindy Sheehan to be throttled.

Back in 1980, Pat said "We have enough votes to run the country. And when the people say, "We've had enough," we are going to take over." And of course, he was correct. But be that as it may, there are still a number of obstacles standing in the way of the United States achieving it's destiny.

Is there anyone in the country - except for the liberal pantywaists - who is afraid of Venezuela? Of course not! A case can be made that Muslims are scary, what with their swarthy unshaved features and those towels they wear on their heads. (And isn't it funny that they wear towels when it's obvious that they haven't showered since Allah was in knee pants?) But Venezuelans - come on! We could take them out in a three day weekend.

Venezuela has threatened our sovereignty for long enough, what with their giant anacondas and mid-riff baring dancing girls. Since 1998, when the spineless Clinton administration inexplicably let the madman Chavez come into power (democratic election, my foot), the number of alpacas in this country has risen by an astounding 500 percent, with no end in site. And lest anyone think that there are any real differences between the extreme Islamic fundamentalist countries and Venezuela, simply take a look at the oil markets. The Land of the Midday Sun is selling us oil at sixty-five dollars a barrel, even though they are less than a quarter of the distance away from us as Saudi Arabia!

Look at a map, people! These people are breathing down our necks, just waiting for Chavez to give his deadly orders. Yes, it takes vigilance to protect ourselves against Arab terrorists, but given the will, we at least have the know-how. They look funny, speak like they have a mouthful of marbles, and can be smelled from a block away. Not so with the Venezuelans, who look and speak just like Mexicans. If you have half a brain, as patriot Pat does, I think that you can see the problem


©2005, Mark Hoback