The All New Leave it to Beaver presents

Taking Care of Lumpy

Lumpy Part 1 is here.

 Scene: Camera pans to the front door, which is being pushed open. Music up. Beaver walks in the door. It is snowing outside, and Beaver shakes the flakes off of his cute little hat, before bending down to remove his galoshes. 

 June [offstage]: Beaver? Is that you?

 Beaver [working hard on his cute little galoshes]: Yeah, mom. It’s really snowing outside!

 June: Well, make sure you’re all dried off, before you come into the kitchen.

 [Pan past the Dutch Doors and into the inner sanctum]

 Scene: The kitchen is so crowded that June has added an extra leaf to the table. She is wearing a huge ruffled apron, and serving coffee from a large sterling silver pot. She pauses momentarily to take a sip from her martini, which she sets gently back on the kitchen counter. Sitting at the table are President Cleaver, Mister Black [guest star Colin Powell], Uncle Ernie [recurring guest Dick Cheney], Uncle Jeb [oddly enough, guest star Jerry Mathers], Uncle Ari [Guest star Bea Arthur], and Sean Penn as himself.

 Beaver [entering]: Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Hi Uncle Ernie. Hi Uncle Jeb. Hi Uncle Ari. [To Sean] Who are you?

 Sean: Hi there, little man. I’m Sean Penn.


 Sean: You know. ‘Dead Man Walking’.  [Titters]


 Sean: ‘I Am Sam’. [laughs]


 Sean: I’m your Uncle Sean.

 Beaver: Hi Uncle Sean! [Waves of laughter, forcing the cast to sit and drink coffee for a full thirty seconds. June pours another martini.]

 Ward: Sit down, Beaver, let’s have a little chat.

 Mister Black: Do you know who I am Beaver?

 Beaver: Uncle Ben? [More hilarity. More Coffee.]

 Mister Black: I’m your next door neighbor, Beaver. The one with the broken window.

 Beaver [jumping up from his chair]: I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! [Pause and think] It was that bad boy Eddie Haskell! [Audience thinks this is the funniest line ever. June finishes martini in two gulps]

 Ward: Sit back down, Beaver. We’re having a conversation. Do you know what happens to little boys who lie?

 Uncle Ernie [shouting]: We ship ‘em to Guantanamo Bay!

 Everyone: Ha Ha Ha Ha. [Audience: Ha Ha Ha Ha.]

 Mister Black: You know Beaver, your Dad is the President; we do have a few cameras in the neighborhood. So why don’t you just tell us the truth?

 Beaver [swallowing hard]: I told you, Dad. Lumpy threw a rock… [sniffles] You said it was okay…

 Ward [shouting]: I said it was understandable to throw a rock. I didn’t say it was okay to break a window!

 Beaver: But Dad, Lumpy…

 Ward: Don’t ‘But Dad’ me, you little sonofabitch [glares at June]. Off to bed! Now! No desert for a month! [exit Beaver]

 Uncle Ari [whispers]: That’s dessert, Sir.

 Ward [fuming]: Dumb as a stick, that kid.

 Uncle Ari: Yes sir, he is.

 Ward: I mean, the first thing you do is distance yourself… You don’t call him ‘Lumpy’ anymore – you call him Lawrence… You think he would have learned after what happened to Uncle Kenny Boy…

 Sean: Can we talk about Iraq now?


 [Music. Fade. Commercial]

 Scene.  Still in the kitchen, but the chairs are all on one side of the table. In front of the group is Lumpy, manacled to a hand-dolly, mouth taped shut, eyes bulging. June sits in the corner, picking imaginary bugs off her sweater.

 Ward [pacing]: What are we going to do with you, young man?

 Uncle Jeb: I heard he’s class Treasurer for the fourth grade. I don’t think he’s fit to be treasurer of the fourth grade. That’s what I think.

 Mister Black: I’m very disappointed in the boy’s actions. I deplore the sentiment behind his actions.

 Uncle Ernie [shouting]: He’s a saboteur! He’s ruining our credibility! I know all about the fourth grade! I have the tie-breaker! The tie-breaker! Steeevvve!

 Uncle Ari: Hush, Ernie, there’s no Steve here.

 Mister Black: Ernie is right. [faces Lumpy and rips the tape from his mouth].

 Uncle Ernie [foaming]: Pass the word that he’s a little fudge-packer. There’s no way they’d keep a little fudge-packer like that as Treasurer of the fourth grade.

 Lumpy: That hurt, Mister Black. [licks lips] I am hanging in there as treasurer. I am going to fight through this.

 Mister Black: There was nothing in this lads actions that should be acceptable to any fourth grader anywhere in America.

 Sean: Say, aren’t you being a little tough on the kid? I mean, I can front you a couple of bills to fix your window.


 Lumpy [panicked]: Mister Black, Mister Black! You gotta believe me. I tried to help you. [thinking] When Harry Belafonte came to the school assembly, I refused to go! Because he called you a nig-nig! I refused!

 [Enter Harry Belafonte from stage left. Tumultuous applause. Belafonte winks, and does a half-bow. Belafonte crosses over to Mister Black and the two exchange a special handshake]

 Belafonte [half singing his words]: Banana boat come and it’s sailin’ right away from the fourth grade, you little fudge-packer. DAY-Yo!

 Uncle Ernie: STEEEVVVE!

Ward: You know what sounds like a good punishment to me? Take his shoes and coat, send him home in the snow, and have someone tell his principle that he tried to diddle the Beaver! No more treasurer for you, Lumpy. No more school for you, boy! [Freeing the shoeless boy and snatching his coat before sending him sobbing out the door]. You can keep your hat on!

 Sean [turning to Belafonte]: You know, uh, I used to be married to Madonna...

 Belafonte: Stick it, man.

 Everyone: Ha Ha Ha Ha. [Audience: Ha Ha Ha Ha.]

 [Music. Fade. Commercial]

Closing scene
. Yes, it is the kitchen again. Beaver is having desert. I mean dessert.

 Ward: So you see, Beaver, when you’re a family, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

 Beaver: What does that mean, Dad?

 Ward: You explain it to him, June. Use one of your many metaphors.

 June: Our family is like a cow, Beaver.

 Beaver: How’s that, Mom?

 June: Well, Beaver, do you know why a cow has four legs? Because, otherwise it would just fall over.

Beaver: But there’s only three of us, Mom.

 June [weeping]: I know…

 [fade. Applause.]

© 2002, Mark Hoback