The All New
Leave it to Beaver presents

'Lumpy Gravy'

 

Scene: Front of the Mayfield White House on a gorgeous day in the month of whatever month that is when you can pull an apple right off a tree and eat it.. Beaver is standing just outside of the Cleavers white picket fence, chomping on a freshly picked apple, and happily talking to the non-existent Wally who appears as a spot of light on a limb of the apple tree.

 

Lumpy [Lumbering up the street in a cub scout uniform stained with pasta sauce. His fly is down]: Who ya talking to Beaver?

 

Beaver [caught be surprise]: Nobody Lumpy. There’s a bird up in the tree. [makes cute little bird noises] Cheep Cheep. [audience: Awww]. Want an apple, Lumpy?

 

Lumpy [Pulling something nasty out of his pocket]: No thanks, Beaver. I’ve got part of a Snickers left. [crams the candy into his mouth]. Hey, you seen your new neighbors yet? [burps] They’re boogies.

 

Eddie Haskell [strutting up the street]: What’s up squirt?

 

June: [Quick pan to June staring out of the kitchen window]: What a fine looking boy young Eddie is..

 

Beaver: Hi Eddie.

 

Eddie: What you doing talking to Stinky here?

 

Lumpy: Quit picking on me, Eddie. My dad says that you’re the stinker. [Reaches down and picks up a conveniently placed rock] Besides, we’ve got things to do. [Throws rock at the neighbor’s house, breaking picture window].

 

Beaver: Hey, why’d you do that Lumpy?

 

Lumpy: Cause they're dirty nig-nigs.

 

Eddie: I’ll show you who’s dirty, you little creep. [pushes Lumpy face down into a convenient mud puddle] [Elvis inflection] I’m gonna take off your pants! [laughs]

 

[Neighbor’s voice]: Who’s out there? Who did this?

 

Lumpy [blubbering]: Eddie did it! Eddie did it! [big laughs]

 

June: [off screen] Beaverrrr! [huge laughs]

 

[music and cut to commercial]

 

Scene: In the kitchen. In the center of the table, there is a steaming plate of cookies. Beaver and Lumpy each have a glass of milk in front of them, as does a third, hauntingly empty third chair. Ward and June are holding comically oversized Martini Glasses. Lumpy, fresh from a hot bath (lest his parents find out about his ass-whomping) is swimming in an oversize t-shirt which Ward has leant the unfortunate lad.

 

Ward: You were quite a mess there, Lumpy. [chuckles]. Just like your old man used to be. [audience chuckles]

 

Lumpy [screwing up his face]: That mean old Eddie Haskell…

 

Beaver [abruptly]: Dad, Lumpy threw a rock at the neighbor’s window!

 

Ward: Haven’t I taught you not to interrupt, Beaver? And let me just remind you that nobody likes a sniveling little snitch.  [Fatherly] There’s two sides to every story, son. Did you know that Lumpy’s father tried to buy that house next door. But they sold it to Mister Black instead because he’s a…

 

Lumpy: Because he’s a nig-nig!

 

Ward [laughing]: That’s right, because he’s a nig-nig! You’re a good boy, Lumpy. [to himself] Sometimes I wish your were my son…

 

 [audience: Aww]

 

Ward: [turns to the Beaver] That’s discrimination, Beaver. It’s wrong to deny a man his dream just because he’s white.”

 

Beaver: Gosh, dad…

 

Ward: Do you know what we like, Beaver?

 

June: Martoonis! [audience: laughs]

 

Ward: Shut up, June. We like diversity, Beaver.

 

Beaver: Di-ver-si-ty?

 

Ward: Diversity. But you know what we don’t like, Beaver? [fuming] Diversity too close to home. Sometimes I wish we had just stayed in the White House.

 

Lumpy: This neighborhood would be a much better place if that Mister Black never moved in. And then we could have been neighbors, Beaver.

 

Ward: You explain it to him, June. You’re the boy’s mother. [mutters] although I’d pass a Franklin to find out who his father was.

 

June: Listen, Beaver. Remember when we went to the Grand Canyon last summer. You really like it, didn’t you? But I bet you wouldn’t like it so much if the Grand Canyon was in your bedroom.

 

[Ward smacks his hand on his forehead]

 

Beaver: Golly, Mom, I guess you’re right. Hey Dad, can me and Lumpy go out now and TP Mister Black’s house?

 

Ward: You sure can, Beaver. There’s some spare rolls down in the coat closet. But one thing, Beaver.

 

Beaver: Yes, Dad?

 

Ward: If I see you talking to that bastard Eddie Haskell again, I’m going to carve you a new asshole.

 

[Audience: laughs and applauds] [fade] 

 

© 2002, Mark Hoback