Meat Cleaver                                             


Tonight’s screening of The Wild Ones...


Hillary: [twirling around in a yellow checkered pinafore] “What are you rebelling against, Johnny?”

Brando : [Lucky Strike hanging from lower lip] “Whadaya got?”

Hillary: [thoughtfully] Well, we have prescription drug benefits for seniors. That’s important, Johnny. The world is so much bigger than just you and me.”


…Has been pre-empted by the all new Leave it to Beaver


Synopsis: The Democrats have cleaned up their act, put on a nice tie with a muted pattern, and become the party of ‘your mother’, denying ever having been the party of ‘yo mama’. They have been rewarded for their wise compliance by being collectively selected to play the role of June Cleaver . June is chock full of wisdom and practical advice, as when she asks The Beav ‘Would you jump off a cliff just because everyone else is doing it? Oh, go ahead then, just be careful not to hurt yourself, and be home in plenty of time for dinner. We’re having chicken tonight’.


The entire citizenry of the United States, proud, diverse, and free, star as The Beaver. Sadly, no one plays Wally, since June is pro-choice, and Wally was never allowed to exist.


When the first season began, the Republicans had become the party of cluelessness. For a few weeks they were portrayed in toto by goofy old Bob Dole, but it was only a matter of time before George Bush transformed his role from Ward Cleaver into President Ward Cleaver. Ward has developed a vicious little sneer and a penchant for taking the boy out to the woodshed for even the tiniest of infractions. Some of his old friends have given him the nickname ‘Meat’ behind his back. He knows this, and secretly revels in it.


Dick Cheney portrays unpleasant miscreant Uncle Ernie, guest starring from that other show, the one with three boys and no mother at all. Some networks have shows which seem to feel no need to portray a stable family with two parents, and even though Uncle Ernie seems out of place, he is always treated almost like family by the Cleavers. Ernie is forever cocking his head to the side and hissing out “Steeeeevvvve”. Even though Steve isn’t there and never will be, Ernie will continue to hiss. As executive producer, it is his right.


Trent ‘Vacant’ Lott plays Lumpie. The third season has long since wrapped, and from the look of the Q ratings, there won’t be that many more appearances for Lumpie. Perhaps he can sometimes wait for the bus with the other boys.


There is, however, plenty of screen time for that conniving Eddie Haskell, played with boyish aplomb by the ever popular Bill Clinton. There is a rather constant subtext which suggests that Eddie would probably fuck June if he ever had the opportunity – “Mmm, missus Cleaver, you surely do look nice today,” he smarmily intones. On a pre-verbal level, Beaver is aware of the sexual dynamics that exist in this liberal kitchen. It quite frightens him.


Ward would quite literally like to kill that rascal Eddie Haskell. His favorite lawyer ‘Bob’ is relatively sure that this would be legal under the constitution, since Eddie Haskell is played by a single actor, as opposed to The Beaver, who is played by the nation as a whole. But don’t worry about Eddie; it looks like he’s going to be fine, just as long as Ward is busy dealing with the hi-jinks of friends and neighbors like sneaky Al Kato, Tony the Wonderdog, Mister Frenchie the Chef, and Sadam the Butcher. And of course, there’s always the unpredictable Beaver.


Tune in tonight and watch as sparks fly when Beaver gets hold of June’s medical marijuana, and then proceeds to bust a move. Mama Mia! It’s back to the woodshed for the both of them!

© 2002, Mark Hoback