The All New Leave it to Beaver Proudly Presents:
Scene 1: Fade in to a shot of the Cleavers driving down the streets of Mayfield. Every few seconds we pass by the same mailman. Ward is puffing on his pipe, looking perturbed. Beaver is huddled into a tight little ball in the back seat. June cries silently, fingering her pearls. There is vomit splattered on the front of her dress. Wally doesn't exist, but if he did, he would probably be staring out the window in silence. Instead, it's next door neighbor Lumpy who is staring out the window in silence.
Ward: What a glorious day it is today.
June: wuhh huhhh huh.........
Ward: I'm pretty sure that I just said that this is a glorious, glorious day. Are you all deaf and dumb? The sun is shining, spring is in the air, and we all had a lovely trip to the Cineplex to see The Passion of the Christ.
June: wuhh huhhh huh huh huhh huh......... I puked in my popcorn.... wuhh huhhh huh.........
Lumpy: I'm telling my mother, President Cleaver.
Ward: What are you going to tell her, Lumpy? Are you going to tell her how much Jesus suffered to wash away our sins?
June: wuhh huhhh huh he suffferrred. He suffered so. I need a drink. Wahhh...
Lumpy: I'm telling my mother that you took us to a porno movie.
Ward: That wasn't a porno, Lumpy. Where did you get that crazy idea? That was all about the tribulations of Jesus Christ.
Beaver: AIYEEEEE! The Christ! <audience laughs>
June: wuh huh huh. Huh. He tribulated so... <snort> Ward, poor Beaver is scared to death, and I don't blame him. I'll bet he won't sleep all week. Wuh huh huh...
Ward: You friggin sissies! Well, he'll get over it, the little pansy. We took him for the good of his own soul. I'll beat him to sleep if I have to. Buck up, Beaver. Get a grip on yourself. We'll have some ice cream when we get home.
Lumpy: My mother says that movies where people hurt each other are pornos. She won't let me watch anything that has guns in it.
Ward: Quit that sniveling. There weren't any guns in it, Lumpy. Now you're just making stuff up.
Beaver: <sniff> There was a spear...
Lumpy: Yeah. And lots of whips.
Beaver: And a stick.
June: A stick? I didn't see the stick...
Ward: That's because you were outside. Sucking on a cancer stick. You and your unholy vices.
<audience tsk tsks>
Beaver: It was a big stick.
Lumpy: And there was a hammer...
Ward: That's enough now, boys. Let's see if we can ride the rest of the way home with our whining little mouths shut. <muttering> Jesus Christ.
Beaver: AIYEEEEE! The Christ!
<audience: Big laughs and scene fades to black>
Scene 2: We are in the glory that is Beaver's bedroom. The room is sparse. There are two single beds separated by a battered nightstand - there used to be a gay and colorful little desk, but Ward has been teaching the boy about asceticism . The room is remarkably free of clutter, in fact, it is remarkably free of objects of any kind, other than many pairs of dirty Beaver socks. On the nightstand sits Beaver's traditional glass of untouched water. There is a small ceramic sculpture of a horse, reared up on it's hind legs, which has been meticulously glued back together. (The boy has to learn about values one way or another). That's it, except for an autographed photo of President Cleaver on the wall. Beaver is tucked neatly into bed, sniffling.
June: I need to go to bed, Beaver. And you need to get some shuteye.
Beaver (whining): But I'm scared of The Christ.
June: Well, don't you be frightened. We're here to protect you. And remember, it was just a movie.
Beaver: But Dad said it was real. And he said that if I didn't start behaving better that he would beat me like a red-headed Jesus. <sob> I don't know how to behave any better. <Audience: Awww>
June: Well your daddy's a real asshole, Beaver. I think everybody knows that by now. He said the same thing to me tonight when I burned his flapjacks.
Beaver: He did?
June: Yes he did. The indignities that man puts me through... Listen, I know you're hungry after missing dinner, Beaver, so I smuggled you in a Slim Jim.
Beaver: Gee thanks, Mom... Can I say that thing?
June: What thing?
Beaver: The thing about dad. The asshole thing.
June: I don't think that would be a very wise idea, Beaver. If Ward found out, he might ship us both off to one of his camps. Anyway, I'm hoping that... Beaver, you can't breathe a word of this, but before the year is over, I think you might just have a new Dad.
Beaver: YAAAAY! <audience laughs>
Ward (offstage): Keep it down in there, or I'm going to come in with a stick. A really big one.
June (whispering): Okay, Beaver. Off to sleep with you.
<Beaver lies motionless on his back, staring fearfully at the ceiling. There is a rustling of the curtains as a breeze blows through the window.>
Disembodied voice: Hey Beaver!
Beaver (startled, sitting up quickly in bed): Who's there?
Disembodied voice: It's me. Wally.
Beaver: Oh, hey Wally. What you been up to?
Wally (materializing): Oh you know. The usual. Traveling around the space-time continuum. Sneaking into the girls locker room.
Beaver: Gosh. It sounds like a lot of fun being dead.
Wally: I'm not dead, squirt. I never was alive. That's why I'm condemned to spend my life in purgatory. Cause I wasn't baptized and stuff. Mom and Dad really hosed up big time on that one.
Beaver: Mom and Dad don't believe you exist, Wally. I told them about you one time and they just looked at me. Dad gave me a whipping, but mom bought me a new bicycle.
Wally: So what's up, Beav? I heard you screaming earlier today.
Beaver: It's The Christ, Wally. I'm scared The Christ is gonna get me. It was scary, Wally. It was like Freddie Krueger, but bloodier.
Wally: Wow, that is scary. Where did you see the Christ.
Beaver: It was at the movies, Wally. It was in the movie, but Dad said it was real.
Wally: Dad's a real asshole. Don't worry, Beaver. A movie can't hurt you. Besides, The Christ was the good guy. Didn't you notice that?
Beaver: I didn't notice anything but the blood, Wally. Remember when I cut my foot? I don't like blood.
Wally: Listen, squirt. I told you not to worry about it. Nobody's gonna get you, except maybe for Dad, if he finds out you've been talking to that Eddie Haskell again. Now get some sleep, and maybe I'll see you again tomorrow. Goodnight, Beav.
Beaver: Goodnight, Wally.
<Fade and cut to commercial.>
Scene 3: Beaver is playing with his ceramic horse, which he calls Bobble Tail. He is pretending that Bobble Tail is galloping across his bed.
Beaver: Go Bobble Tail, go Bobble Tail, faster, run run Bobble Tail, go Bobble Tail, faster, like the wind, good boy Bobble Tail, go Bobble Tail...
Ward (offstage): Beaver? Beaver, can you come into the kitchen? Right now, son.
Beaver (sticking a
throw pillow down the back of his little pants.):
Coming Dad. Whatever it is, I didn't do it.
<Camera pans past the Dutch Doors and into the inner sanctum that is the Cleaver Kitchen>
Scene 4: The kitchen is crowded and unkempt, not the sort of family space that June normally keeps. She is wearing a high collared pink and white checked dress with a large white ruffled apron. For accessories she is wearing light beige ropes around her wrists and ankles, which are attached to one of the good mahogany chairs from the living room. A pink rubber bondage ball completes the outfit. A martini sits teasingly beyond her reach.
Sitting at the table are President Cleaver, Uncle Ernie [recurring guest Dick Cheney], Uncle Jeb [oddly enough, guest star Jerry Mathers], Uncle Ann [Guest star Ann Coulter], Uncle Pat Robertson (guest star Norm McDonald), and Sean Penn as himself as Jesus Christ.
Sean (shifting in his robe): Yeah, I wasn't worried for a minute. That baby was mine. Oscar, come to daddy. Johnny Depp, are you kidding? A fucking pirate. Give me a break. Hey, even Bill O'Reilly said I had this thing sewn up, and he hates my guts. Yeah, not like you guys, forgive and forget, right?
Uncle Pat: The Lord works in mysterious ways, don't you?
Sean: You I can live without, smiley boy. Anyway, Bill Murray, can you believe he even thought he had a chance? Groundhog boy. He was crying real tears, did you see it. He looked like...
Beaver [entering]: Hi Mom. Hi Dad. Hi Uncle Ernie. Hi Uncle Jeb. Hi Uncle Ann. Hi Uncle Pat. (To Sean) Who are you?
Sean: Hi there, little man. I'm Uncle Jesus.
Sean: You know, the Savior. <audience titters>
Sean: The King of Kings. <audience laughs>
Sean: Jesus Christ.
Beaver: AIYEEEEE! The Christ! <audience goes into hysterical guffaws, snorts and cackles... a mass hysteria of laughter which soon turns into cries of anguish and bafflement which soon turns into moans from the pit of hell and then turns back to laughter before gradually fading back to titters. Seven minutes of the program pass, during which time Uncle Ann serves coffee all around.> You look a lot better than the last time I saw you. <renewed laughter>
Beaver: What's up with Mom? What are you doing tied to a chair, Mom?
Sean: Come on over here, little Beaver. I want to talk to you.
Beaver: You won't hurt me, will you?
Uncle Ernie: Move your butt, you little asswipe, you want to lollygag, we'll give you a real lollygagging, yeah just like we lollygagged your mother. STEEEEEEVVVE!
Uncle Jeb: I love it when he yells for Steve.
Uncle Pat: Yes, you're right Jeb, that's real, real humorous.
Sean: I always say 'suffer the little children'.
Uncle Jeb: I never understood what that was supposed to mean.
Uncle Ann: It means make them suffer, you morons. It means tough love. Red hot bubbling blisters on the butt love. Give ME the stick.
Uncle Pat: Oh no, Ann, I think that's really an inappropriate interpretation of the scriptures. Nowhere does it say you should hit your child with a stick.
Uncle Ann: It does in the Old Testament, you idiot.
Uncle Pat: Well, yeah, the Old Testament, you've got me there.
Ward: What Jesus wants to do, Beaver, is to remind you of his commandments. Isn't that right, Jesus?
Sean: That's a hundred percent right. Beaver, haven't you ever heard 'Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother? Especially thy father.'
Beaver: Yes sir.
Uncle Ernie: It's not yes sir, boy. It's yes Master.
Uncle Ann: Give me that stick!
Ward: I think someone has been a little disrespectful, don't you son? Someone in this room. Maybe someone with a ball in their mouth.
Beaver: Gee, Dad, you're not Mom's father are you?
Uncle Jeb: Boy's pretty smart, Ward. I smell dynasty.
Sean: Le me lay it out for you kid. Your Mom told you something about your dad last night, didn't she. Gave you a few choice words, that's what I hear. <shaking Beaver> I'm telling you to spill the beans, kid, spill the beans.
Uncle Ann: Give me the stick! Give me the stick!
Uncle Ernie: STEEEEEEVVVE! STEEEEEEVVVE!
Beaver [crying]: Okay, Jesus. She said daddy was... she said Dad was a real asshole.
Sean: She did?
Uncle Jeb: She did? Heh, heh, heh....
Uncle Ann: How uncouth. Hee, hee, hee...
Uncle Ernie: Everybody knows that!
Everybody: Ha, ha, ha, ha...
<audience: big hearty laughs>
Ward: Let her loose, Pat. And there I thought she was being disloyal behind my back. Sorry, June.
June (gasping for air): Asshole!
Everybody: Ho, ho, ho...
Beaver: So you're not mad at me, Jesus?
Sean: Hell no! Alls well that ends well. That reminds me of when I was doing Shakespeare in the Park one night, and a rainstorm was...
Uncle Ann: Shut up, Jesus.
©2004, Mark Hoback