Bill's Jacket


5/27/05

...and now from the back of the closet segment comes our most ridiculous item of the day.

The BBC reports that the British Medical Journal contains a call by doctors in Middlesex for the elimination of all long pointed kitchen knives in jolly old England as a means of curtailing knife crime.

They point to statistics that show that over a third of all murders in the UK are caused by knives and that a great many of these are the very same utensils found in the common kitchen. Hello, Earth to England, of course they are. In a foolish fit of sectarian sanctimony, the UK long ago banned the use of guns by all but a handful of special forces. The intention of this restriction was to prevent senseless gun murders, but as we all know the criminals still have guns, and murder goes on.

The only difference, of course, is that now the common citizen is defenseless to defend themselves with anything more explosive than a butcher knife, and as we all know, you don't bring a knife to a gunfight. We say Britain needs to bring back individual gun ownership so that it's citizens can at least have a fighting chance. To do anything else would be ridiculous.

This is Bill's jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.


6/01/05

Old Man Should Die Anyway

 ...and now from the back of the closet segment comes our most ridiculous item of the day.

The Washington Post today reports that the most infamous traitor in modern, the man celebrated in a million liberal masturbatory fantasies as 'Deep Throat'.  The traitor in question is none other than former FBI agent W Mark Felt, the man often mocked by former FBI Chief, J Edgar Hoover, as 'sissy-boy'. How anything be more unmanly that being called sissy-boy by Mister Hoover is beyond your humble host's imagination.

The same people that are so enthusiastic about the rights of folks to slaughter their unborn children would seem to have no such eager anticipation for the civil execution of a man that some would call a godless terrorist, a man who would turn aside the trust implicit in his given office, and bring to pass one of the most tumultuous periods in American history.

To say that Mister Felt should be excused for his crime because of his age is ridiculous. This is a man who blatantly revealed secret material about an unauthorized investigation into the private affairs of the president of the United States. Even though he has expressed regret for his egregious actions, it is more than obvious that Felt was looking out for neither you or me, only himself.

Felt should have his day in court, after which his filthy carcass can be safely tossed behind bars for the rest of his natural life, which admittedly isn't very long. To do anything else would be ridiculous.

This is Bill's jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.


6/14/05

My Owner Is a Journalist

 ...and now from the back of the closet segment comes our most ridiculous item of the day.

The Annenberg Public Policy Center came out yesterday with the results of their latest survey on attitudes from everyday Americans such as yourself as to who is and is not a legitimate journalist. It should come as no surprise to my owner's many followers that a full 40% of those interviewed consider Bill O'Reilly to be a real journalist, as oppose to only 30% who would say the same thing about Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward.

This attitude is not surprising, given that Americans in growing numbers are rejecting the mainstream liberal propagandist media in favor of the fair and balanced coverage provided by conservative talk show hosts. Consider this: 25% of those polled consider my colleague Rush Limbaugh, head of The Committee, to be a legitimate journalist, while only a paltry 20% would say the same thing about biased newspaper columnist George Will. You cannot fool the people forever.

Showing just how out of touch with the American people that the liberal press has become, the same questions were asked to members of the liberal mainstream media. Their response? Only 11% saw O'Reilly as a legitimate journalist, as opposed to 93% for Woodward, an opinion that is not just arrogant, but ridiculous.

This is Bill's jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.

11/10/05

   
      Admission of Nothing


 ...and now from the back of the closet comes our most ridiculous item of the day.


The liberal press has been having a field day this past week, or should I say a field week? Never minding the proper terminology, it is sufficient to say that the liberal press has been having a week of field days following reports that the White House has been so chastened by trumped up reports of wrong doing, that it has decided to require all staff to attend mandatory briefings on ethics rules and handling of classified information.

The left leaning Denver Post is typical of the liberal schadenfreude being echoed elsewhere throughout the secular press. Today's editorial reads in part "We applaud the notion that the administration has realized it has a problem with unethical behavior and is trying to solve it. Yet it is unsettling, to say the least, that there is a need for an ethics class in the first place - after all, the president pledged to run the most ethical administration in history."

Oh really, Denver Post? I'm afraid that all of us here at the Bill O'Reilly No Spin Christmas Store must inform you that there is no story at all here. On April 12, 1989, the first President Bush issued Executive Order 12674 which required annual mandatory ethics training for, let me quote, "all employees appointed by the President, all employees in the Executive Office of the President, all officials required to file public or nonpublic financial disclosure reports, all employees who are contracting officers and procurement officials, and any other employees designated by the agency head."

Now I know that this is dry, boring stuff, but sometimes you have to just wake up and smell the coffee, preferably in a 'No Spin Coffee Mug', which in my humble opinion is the finest mug in the world. In 1997, President Clinton signed off on CFR 2638.703(b), which required ethics training for all government employees within ninety days of their hire, and annual mandatory ethics training for all employees whose position in any way put them in position to affect the public trust. In other words, if you know anybody who works for the feds, ask them about it. Chances are they are taking it.

This is Bill's jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.

11/26/05

   
      Teaching Treason


 ...and now from the back of the closet comes the Impact Segment, featuring Bill's No Spin Varsity Jacket, now only $134.95 for premium members.

Tonight's Impact Segment looks at a new chapter in the continuing story that we've been following at The Factor, the attempt by the nation's radical left educators to warp little brains. We were in the forefront of the media to spread the word about liberal wacko Colorado University professor Ward Churchill, and although he has yet to be fired, sources tell us that he has found our attacks very irritating.

As vile as Churchill's anti-American remarks have been, at least he is teaching at a University, where, on assumes, the students have the ability to not take his class, and the freedom to shun him without fear of reprimand. Not so with the public school students at Mount Anthony Union High School in Bennington, Vermont, where Bret Chenkin teaches English.

Chenkin, it seems, has made Bush-bashing a pre-requisite to passing his so-called class. How else to explain a test item such as this one, where the student must select the correct defilement in order to complete the statement.

"I wish Bush would be (coherent, eschewed) for once during a speech, but there are theories that his everyday diction charms the below-average mind, hence insuring him Republican votes."

The 'correct' answer, of course, is coherent. This is simply beyond the pale. Keep in mind the fact that English is a required subject in the state of Vermont. This is not the case in Mexico, where the typical below average student will illegally cross the border to the United States by the age of seventeen.

The Factor urges the Bennington school board to terminate Chenken immediately, unless, of course, he has tenure, in which case The Factor urges the Bennington school board to terminate Chenken as quickly as possible. Public high schools do not typically have tenure, but in liberal states like Vermont, home of the loony DNC chairman Howard Dean, anything is possible.

Some of you have written the Factor in the past, asking why we peel such small potatoes. Good question, and perfect fodder for our fish and chips analogy. From the spud which dwells underground to the haddock which pees in the mighty sea, they all exist for the purpose of being consumed by this great society. And we intend to fry them, one at a time.

This is Bill's Jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.

12/02/05

   
 Christmas Hero of the Week


 ...and now from the back of the closet comes the Personal Story Segment, featuring Bill's No Spin Varsity Jacket, now only $134.95 for premium members.

Those of you who are regular viewers of The Factor - and I'm assuming that includes most of you - know that I have been in the forefront of journalists defending Christmas against those on the far left who seek to secularize the holiday. Stores such as Sears and K-Mart absolutely refuse to use the word Christmas in their advertising this year, and many outlets are selling 'holiday trees' instead of Christmas trees. This is incredibly bad marketing during the biggest sales season of the year. As I say in my latest column, the incredibly dumb grinches who run many of the American companies which are obsessed with political correctness seem intent on throwing the baby Jesus out with the bathwater. For your protection, the Bill O'Reilly website is providing a list of retailers Christmas policies, so you can see for yourself which ones are being naughty and which are being nice. How's that for looking out for you?

But tonight we are saluting someone who is helping strengthen the Christmas message through her actions. And that person is - hold onto your hats - none other than pop diva and glamorous new mom Britney Spears. The nubile twenty-three year old sexpot has transformed son Sean Preston's bedroom into an elaborate nativity scene. Word has it that the sultry singer, along with hubby Kevin Federline, have filled Sean's room with life-size figures of Mary, Joseph, and the three wise guys, as well as assorted donkeys, cattle, and one must assume, a camel or two. And who plays the Baby Jesus, you ask? Why, it's no other than Sean Preston Federline Spears in his first starring role.

Say what you will about Ms. Spears music - and I, for one, think that it's terrific - no one can deny that this is one lady who really knows how to milk the meaning of Christmas. In return, The Factor urges you to run on out and buy her new album 'B in the Mix' - but only from a retailer unafraid to wish you a 'Merry Christmas'. To do anything else would be ridiculous.

This is Bill's Jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.


3/5/06

   
 Bill's Jacket Best Picture Pick


 ...and now from the back of the closet comes the Inside Story Segment, featuring Bill's No Spin Varsity Jacket, now only $134.95 for premium members.

Those of you who are regular viewers of The Factor - and I'm assuming that includes most of you - know that I have always had a certain fascination with Hollywood award marathons, where the glittering nobility of the silver screen come together for an orgy of self-congratulation and ass-kissery. This year is no different, and while I'll be nowhere near the red carpet, you can rest assured that I will be watching the festivities, falafel and a bottle of Midleton Very Rare close at hand.

Best picture? The pundits have spoken at length on the gay cowboy film 'Brokeback Mountain'. To hear them tell it, this has the award sewed up. Maybe so, but I haven't seen it, and I'm willing to bet that most members of the academy haven't either. Watching pretty-boy actors portray bisexual shepherds isn't on the top of our collective viewing wish list, so I call this flick a no starter

'Good Night and Good Luck' is at the top of no-one's best picture list, and it's obvious that the elitist Hollywood community selected this film, with it's condescending treatment of Joseph McCarthy, purely as a slap across the chops of the conservative media. I don't like George Clooney. I don't like what he stands for, and I, personally, don't even think he is all that attractive of a guy. Add to this the fact that the movie is shot in primitive black and white, and it's no wonder that I haven't watched the film. In other words, forget about it.

'Munich' is a diatribe against killer Jews.  Sure, stick it to Mel Gibson by ignoring 'The Passion' and then try to pass off this tripe as art. Bill won't bite. Next.

'Crash' features gang-banger Ludacris, a particularly virulent critic of The Factor, in what is undeniably a spot on piece of casting. He plays a cheap thug, and thus is spared any stress that might have been caused from having to act. The movie also features the lovely and talented Sandra Bullock, but director Paul Haggis, who seems oblivious to Ms. Bullock's charms, allows her to remain clothed for the entire film. Pass.

That leaves 'Capote', a story about the simpering homosexual pseudo-journalist Truman Capote's travails during the writing of 'In Cold Blood'. Cold blood? That's what I had when I walked out of this movie before the half-way point. Why is Hollywood so hell bent on promoting the homosexual agenda? Both 'Capote' and 'Brokeback Mountain' flaunt their gay themes in the forefront, and sources close to The Factor say that George Clooney is a homo. And Paul Haggis? One has to wonder. With all this gay sex, you might think that Hollywood would honor at least one film with a couple of good looking lesbian babes, but I'm afraid that once again the academy has come up empty. Two thumbs down.

What's going to get the sacred statuette? Who cares? The Factor doesn't, and neither should you. As always, we shall be watching the awards strictly for the chicks. To do anything else would be ridiculous.

This is Bill's Jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.


6/12/06

   
 More Than One Way To
 Skin a Cat


 ...and now from the back of the closet comes the Inside Story Segment, featuring Bill's No Spin Varsity Jacket, now only $134.95 for premium members.

Those of you who are regular viewers of The Factor - and I'm assuming that includes most of you - are well aware of the fact that I denounce hate-mongers on both side of the political spectrum. On The Factor, we try to trend towards a fair and balanced type of political discourse. I know that has become a bit of a cliché, but it is a cliché that we are more than happy to live with.

Not so the virulent bomb throwers in the radical left wing media. Vicious wacko liberal vigilante Gail Kerr writes a truly despicable piece in The Tennessean  - which was quickly picked up by the drive-by jihadists at the Huffington Post - in which she re-ignites the decades old rumor that Senate Majority leader Bill Frist has a predilection for vivisecting household pets. Say what you will, but calling a man a kitty killer is not my idea of professionalism.

And there is absolutely nothing new in these charges. Senator Frist first addressed the kitty carcass issue in his 1989 book 'Transplant'. In it, he describes how as an impoverished medical school student, he was unable to afford professional research cats, and was forced to obtain them from animal shelters instead.

Desperate, obsessed with my work, I visited the various animal shelters in the Boston suburbs, collecting cats, taking them home, treating them as pets for a few days, then carting them off to the lab to die in the interests of science. And medicine. And health care. And treatment of disease. And my project.

It was, of course, a heinous and dishonest thing to do, and I was totally schizoid about the entire matter. By day, I was little Billy Frist, the boy who lived on Bowling Avenue in Nashville and had decided to become a doctor because of his gentle father and a dog named Scratchy. By night, I was Dr. William Harrison Frist, future cardiothoracic surgeon, who was not going to let a few sentiments about cute, furry little creatures stand in the way of his career. In short, I was going a little crazy.

You're being way too hard on yourself, Senator, although I was amused by the part about little Billy Frist. Let's take a look at the bigger picture, something the mudslinging liberals in the mainstream media find impossible to do. What about the interests of science? What about the treatment of diseases, such as cat scratch fever? And what about Senator Frist's visionary project to create the first feline capable of living underwater?

The Tennessean fails to pick up on the fact that Frist treated these poor animals, who were slated to die anyway, as pets, probably giving them the two or three best days of their lives. It would be interesting to know just how many kitties Ms Kerr has made happy in her obviously spite-filled life.

Frist goes on to explain the truly inspirational underpinnings of his desire to dissect kitty cadavers.

It can even be beautiful and thrilling work, as I discovered that day in the lab when I first saw the wonderful workings of a dog's heart... I spent days and nights on end in the lab, taking the hearts out of cats, dissecting each heart, suspending a strip of tiny muscle that attaches the mitral valve to the inner wall of the cat heart and recording...

Well, perhaps that's enough quotes. The bottom line, Ms Kerr, is this. If one catastrophe can be averted, one catatonic child healed, or one elderly person rescued from cataracts, the value of Senator Frist's work will be apparent to all. To say anything else would be ridiculous.


This is Bill's Jacket, asking you to join us again tomorrow on the No Spin Zone, where I once again will be appearing on Bill.

 

BONUS FEATURE!!!

Backstage with Bill's Mom!


 

all pieces ©2005-2006 Mark Hoback