The results are in and we have two winners - John McCain and Rudy Giuliani are the first two Republican candidates who have shown the good sense to blow off the totally useless and symbolically over-inflated Iowa Straw Poll in August.

"Iowa in August?" sdkrf the former NYC mayor, snorting in derisive laughter. "Here's two things that don't go together - Rudy Giuliani and a steaming field of cow shit. Straw poll? Jeez, if I can't win without the help of the corn lobby, I'd just as soon pack it in."

"My colleague continues along in his understated way," said the ever-lively Senator John McCain, currently stumping in Nevada. "There is indeed something that's every bit as repulsive as standing in a steaming field of cow shit in Iowa in August, and that is standing in the middle of a bone-freezing pile of icy sludge in Iowa in the middle of December."

"Check and mate," replied Giuliani. "Lunch is on me."