Rumsfeld States Case For Burrowing Weapon


Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld met with the House Armed Services Committee yesterday to defended a plan for studying the feasibility of an nuclear warhead that could burrow it's way underground, saying that many low down and dirty countries are unfairly burying their weapons underground so just what the heck are we supposed to do.

In 2004 Congress narrowly voted to discontinue funding for this program, but this is 2005, a new year with a new mandate and the people have voted to let the president have anything he wants, no matter how ridiculous.

Gen. Richard B. Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, admitted that some of the bad countries were indeed hiding their weapons underground, but suggested a policy of post-emption, where the U.S. would wait until the naughty nations brought their weapons above ground and then bomb the bejesus out of them.

"That's ridiculous", shouted the Defense Secretary.

"Why?", asked Myers.

"Because once the weapons are above ground, there they are, all ready to shoot", replied Rumsfeld. "What do you propose to do about countries that leave their weapons underground? Huh? Maybe they're working on burrowing weapons of their own. I'd hate to have to explain to some Iowa farmer how a nuclear warhead just happened to pop out of his cornfield".

Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman asked whether this study was possibly just a cover for the Defense Department's top secret 'Agharta' program.

Rumsfeld laughed so hard that little bits of spittle filled the air and a button popped off his shirt, then proceeded to have Bodman arrested. President Bush will nominate a new energy secretary later this month.

 

2005, M Hoback