Ahmadinejad: 'You love me! Your really love me!"

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ran the full gamete of emotions yesterday during a meeting with diplomats from the European Union. They had met to discuss an offer to give Iran a brand new nuclear reactor! The reactor was offered as an incentive to encourage the country to give up it's own nuclear enrichment program.

"Praise Allah," shouted a glowing Mahmoud, mouth a-grinning and eyes a-twinkling. "Praise Allah, big time. You like me - I knew it - you really, really like me. This is the one thing I've always wanted more than anything else in the world - my very own hard-water nuclear reactor!"

German ambassador Shpagenbort informed Ahmadinejad that they were unable to provide him with a hard-water reactor because of the concern that such a device made it too easy to create weapons grade fissionable material. Mahmoud's face dropped, but he quickly moved to hide his disappointment.

"Oh. Well. Praise Allah, anyway. Hey, a light-water reactor. Pretty cool. The Iranian people have no plans to produce nuclear weapons, so what the hey. A light-water nuclear reactor is just fine. Thank you very, very much."

French ambassador Lebeut nervously informed Ahmadinejad that this was not really a light-water reactor, but the newer and less expensive soft-water reactor, the kind used to power nuclear washing machines, which are capable of cleansing up to eight thousand shirts in one cycle. Mahmoud exploded in anger.

"A soft-water nuclear reactor. May Allah rain down his anger on you and all of your lice infected descendents. Bah. Do you think you are dealing with a 4-year-old child to whom you can give some walnuts and chocolates and get gold from him? Keep the incentives as a gift for yourself. We have no hope of anything good from you."

Moments later, anger spent, Ahmadinejad's face softened.

"Still, a soft-water nuclear reactor..."


2006, Mark Hoback