...thank you ...thank you ...thank you very much ...Now, if I could, I'd like to get serious for just a couple of minutes. As you may have heard, our great nation has been insulted once again by the vile Satan of Hollywood USA. Indeed, I must angrily note that the smash hit Warner Brothers movie '300' chucks the spear far to the foul side of blasphemy. Feh! I'll tell the whole world that in 480 BC, the Persian Empire was the most magnificent and civilized empire in the world, and our cuisine was second to none. And mind you, this was at a time when the Greeks still ate grape leaves.

Ah, the Western World and their foolhardy love of those decadent Greeks. With Allah as my witness, I swear that they must be hypnotized by those glistening white buttocks. I shall tell you a story now, taken from my travels in the world.

One afternoon, when I was in Paris for a summit, I chanced to dine with the Prime Minister of Greece, Kostas Karamanlis. As you might imagine, it wasn't long before Karamanlis exposed himself as an arrogant braggart, raving - perhaps from the wine - about how Greece was the zenith of all of the world's historical civilizations.

"Mahmoud," he says to me, "Greece is truly the cradle of modern civilization." This causes me to laugh in amazement, and I make short my reply by telling him about the legendary city of Hamadan, happily serving civilization for 3200 years, and still one great location. This does not deter Kostas, and he brightly spoke of their 'great' Coliseum. "That old thing," I replied, "is falling apart. Now for something truly great, gaze upon the Persian Empire, which introduced the world to mathematics."

Oh, I need not tell you that this statement really set Karamanlis off, and he tried to make the laughable case that the Greek Empire was superior to the Persian Empire, a case which I was able to reject with minimal effort.

So dejected was the Prime Minister that he did not even notice when I plucked the last kabob from the platter. Finally his mood brightened, and he turned to me to say, "Mahmoud, you cannot argue this - the Greek Empire was the one that invented sex in all it's infinite varieties." Not missing a beat, I told him "True. But it was the Persian Empire that introduced it to women."

Ha ha, I told you a joke. But my fellow Iranians, the movie '300' is not a joke. In it, the ancestors of Karamanlis rain down improbable violent death against the troops of our beloved King Xerxes, an unforgivable affront in and of itself. But what is worse, much worse, is the abuse that the Spartans hurl upon Xerxes' father with their unspeakable 'yo papa' jokes. 'Hey, Xerxes, yo papa so crude that he farted in the mosque and blew the sacred dome off''. 'Hey, Xerxes, yo papa is so stupid that he tried to open a camel dung boutique'. These are not particularly funny. Mohamadamnit, I hate those infidels to pieces.

Bah, this is a blasphemy as great as if I were to rename their beloved warrior as Farticus. Ha ha. Hey, know what happened to your great Coliseum? Ask Farticus. Ha ha. Good one. Listen to this. Why did the little Greek boy run away from home? Because he didn't like the way he was being reared. Ha ha and an extra ha to emphasize the funniness of this Iranian put down. And... and why did the little Greek boy return to the home where he had already confessed to being irate about the manner in which he was reared? Because he couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.

Ha ha, I've got a million of them. Listen, this is the real deal, Greeks just can't compete. Hey, do you know why the Greeks run around in those tiny little skirts - a garment, which at least in Iran, is considered an item of female apparel? I will tell you why. It is so that their magnificently trained and tanned lower extremities can taunt the inherent weakness of the Westerners until they fall under the massive load of their own self-loathing hubris. Ha ha ha, I believe that I've already noted the fact that I have a million of them...

 

2007, Mark Hoback