Everyone's favorite Iranian figurehead, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today hailed the NIE report, which stated that Iran was not developing nuclear weapons, as a great victory.
“This report tried to extract America from its impasse but it also is a declaration of the Iranian people’s victory against the great powers," he said. "With the help of God, our people have resisted, are resisting and will resist until the end. With Allah as my witness, we will not make a nuclear device, no matter how much the west tries to egg us on.”
"Egg you on? Hell, I'm trying to prevent World War III here," President Bush responded. "You're hidin' somethin' and I wanna know what it is. What in the dickens were you up to when you dropped your A bomb program back in 2003?"
"First of all, we never had an A bomb program, George Bush, so we had nothing to drop. And secondly, what? You expect me to tell you all of Iran's state secrets?"
"Says right here in the NIE that you used to have a A bomb program. You can't have it both ways, Mahmoud, not unless you're me. So spill the beans and tell me why you gave it up. You were scared of me, weren't you? Afraid of what I'd do to your scrawny little country."
"Iran is not a scrawny little country. It is robust. I will admit that I was frightened by you back when you were ranting about 'The Axis of Evil'. Which country will he invade, we asked ourselves - will it be North Korea, with it's iron fisted dictator? Or would it be Iraq and the mad tyrant Hussein? Or heaven forbid, would it be free and democratic Iran? And when you picked the hardest one, there was a mighty sigh of relief in Tehran. We thought that would keep you busy for years."
"No kiddin'. I like to take care of the hardest chore first. And you still didn't answer my question. What the heck were you doin' with an A bomb program all the way up to 2003?"
"Because we share a border with Iraq, you idiot. Not to stretch your limited American intellect, but did you ever happen to hear of the Iran-Iraq war, the one where Saddam Hussein tried to seize our oil fields and topple our government? I believe that your daddy gave him a good bit of help, although I'm a bit fuzzy about the specifics."
"That's okay, so was dad. So are you tryin' to tell me that you wanted A bombs for your own protection? That's insane."
"Hey, hey, what about those weapons of mass destruction? The reason you were so sure Saddam had them was because he had already killed over a hundred thousand Iranians with his chemical weapons."
"Really? I thought he only gassed his own people."
"Well, google it."
"I'll have somebody else google it for me. But I've got to admit, what you're saying makes a certain amount of sense. Can I look into your soul?"
"Would you at least admit that you gave up your A bombs because you were scared of me?"
"Sure, whatever you want. That and the fact that we lucked out by getting somebody else to do our dirty work for us."
©2007, Mark Hoback