Desperate Enemy Declare Asymmetric War

Three detainees launched a surprise attack at the Guantanamo Bay military prison yesterday by hanging themselves in their cells. The entire prison has been placed under high alert, with authorities expressing fears of further violence.

The so-called 'suicide diers' used sheets and clothing to fashion makeshift nooses in what authorities are calling a coordinated death ring. Prison commander Admiral Harry B. Harris stressed that these were not acts of simple desperation committed by men trapped in a situation where there is no justice system or hope of release, but were "an act of asymmetric warfare against us."

When asked what the heck he meant by that, Harris explained that "an asymmetric attack is one characterized by asymmetry in the spatial arrangement or placement of parts or components, okay? So it's irregular, it has no balance, or the balance is it's own opposite. Got that? It's like Hannibal. These guys will do just about anything to become martyrs. What part of that do you not understand? Now go mind your own business. I've got a prison to run here."

 

2006, Mark Hoback