Cal Thomas Gets Ambassadorship Nod

"If Hollywood makes more money with cleaner pictures, they are more likely to make cleaner pictures. For them, money is the bottom line... About R-rated pictures, one studio executive is quoted as saying, "you're leaving tens of millions of dollars on the table with an R-rating. Why? For artistic integrity? Let's be real." Yes, let's be real." - Cal Thomas, March 7

Saying "I just can't deal with those people," President Bush today appointed syndicated columnist Cal Thomas to be the first U.S. ambassador to Hollywood. "Mister Thomas is both wise and witty," said Bush, "qualities that will serve him well in negotiating effectively with our most dangerous enemy in the culture wars. He will take no quarter."

"Well, maybe one quarter," quipped Cal, who in return received an icy glare from the chief executive. The author of such books as 'The Wit and Wisdom of Cal Thomas', the man sometimes can't prevent himself from interrupting, even when he apparently has nothing meaningful to say. The president noted that "even though I find his interruptions a tad obnoxious, this is a quality that should serve him well in his dealings with blowhard studio executives."

"Like that guy over at Paramount, Brad Grey," interrupted Cal. "I've got my eye on him. Golden boy, big ideas, young guy. I hear he's paying $25 million for some R-rated art movie called 'Babel'. Not a very pretty title, is it? Towers to the sky, pillars of salt, what not. Get real, Mister Grey - you want art, buy yourself some watercolors. And who is the director of this 'art movie', you ask? Alejandro González Iñárritu, that's who, a man with a history of making blasphemous films with subtitles. Not a name I would touch, not a very pretty name at all."

"Go get em, tiger," replied the president. "I think we need to look at the bigger..."

"Look at the bigger picture, yes Mister President. By making an R-rated 'film', he's taking millions of dollar off the table, which wouldn't make me very damn happy if I was a stockholder. As a matter of fact, I'd be tempted to call it stockholder fraud, and you know what I think about rich Hollywood executives taking food out of the stockholders mouths? It's wrong, and it will not stand."

Mister Thomas' first official visit will come next week, when he flies to the left coast to meet with George Lucas, who has stunned the country by announcing that the next Star Wars will be PG-13, instead of the usual PG. "What he is in effect saying," explains Thomas, "is that all right thinking Americans can just go to hell. That's his message, loud and clear. Oh, little Johnny can't go to see Star Wars because I have to have my artistic integrity. Well, Georgie, we will just see about that."



©2005, Mark Hoback