This past Friday, The Boston Archdiocese's Catholic Charities announced that they would no longer be brokering adoptions because of a state law which allows homosexuals the right to adopt children.

"It's a shame," said the charity's president Rev. J. Bryan Hehir, "all these sad little orphans slaving their days away in our factories and warehouses. But I guess in a lot of ways they're better off there. At least they get gruel and water twice a day, and Sunday mornings off for Mass. That's got to be better than the trauma of spending your childhood with Adam and Steve."

"You've got that right," said Patricia Ann, a resident of the Peaceful Valley Orphanage and Meat Packers. "I might not have a family but at least I have a trade." Being an orphan, Patricia Ann has no last name. But she definitely has a future. "You bet I do," says the gawky but adorable redhead. "When I turn eighteen, if I work extra extra hard, they start paying me, and someday maybe I can be a supervisor and then I can..." Break time over, Patricia Ann had to return to the processing line, leaving us in mid-sentence.

We know better than to believe poor little Patricia Ann, however, as orphans are traditionally unreliable. Had she been able to honestly finish her thoughts,  we are sure she would have said something along the lines of "Governor Romney, for the sake of God, please draft a bill that would allow Catholic Charities to turn away fags."

And the good governor would make it so.

"They have within their religion the belief that marriage should be between a man and a woman, and that children should not be sent into homes without a mother and a father. We'd like them to be able to be true to their religion. Cause it's like blaghhh... I think of a Rosy O'Donnell or uh... quick, give me the name of a famous gay dad... Richard Simmons, he adopted, didn't he?... No? Boy George? No? Well, you get the idea. Somebody of the homosexual persuasion. Just think about it."

"Did I mention that I'm pondering over the possibility of running for president? No? Well I am. Just thought I'd throw that in."



2006, Mark Hoback