Hello friends, this is your old pal - and I do mean old - Mr. Richard Blackwell, and I want... yes, I know you just heard from me a couple of weeks ago, but it's not like I'm a groundhog. I've been around much longer than that Pokahonte Slim or whatever the little rodent is called. Contrary to popular belief, I always rise from the grave in time for a fabulous New Year's Eve, and then fritter away all the days of January before returning to the darkness. It's a wonderful regime, and my dark friends tell me that I should easily live to 800, if not beyond.

Anyway, the reason I'm speaking to you today is to tell you about a heartbreaking fashion disaster. This is the case of Mr. Richard Cheney.

Honestly, people, I just don't know what to think. We are talking fatal fashion folly here. Oh my god, here we are in Poland at one of the most somber days since I don't know when, and the Vice President shows all the fashion acumen of Bill the Barnacle Man.

Now just look at this character! This is a memorial service, for God's sake, the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, about as black tail an event as you can come up with. Okay, it's cold outside, we get it, but that doesn't mean you should look like you just finished shoveling your driveway.

A formal black topcoat is just the thing for such a service, as a matter of fact, it's the only thing, and I believe if you take a good look you'll see that the rest of the world is properly dressed. Except for the guy in the - say it with me - olive drab parka with the fluffy fur hood. (And my sources tell me that it wasn't even real fur.) Are we at a memorial service or are we celebrating Christmas With The Kranks? Dowdy, dumpy, and frumpy! For shame Mr. Cheney, how about using some of those Halliburton bucks for a fashion consultant.

If that was the end of it, we would only have a major fashion disaster, but the man has to go nuclear on us. Let us examine the headwear. Is this a Stetson or the sort of nice fur hat that a person should be wearing when attending a memorial service? Alas, it is not. It's a frigging knit ski cap, and it looks as if it has a slogan written on it. For shame. Unless the man is starting a new career in hip hop, this is simply beyond even Mr. Blackwell's belief. And I'm not even going to comment on the footwear. No. No I'm not. You can't make me, not unless you tell me that he had to hike all the way to the camp. I'm mortified. Stop it Mr. Cheney, you're embarrassing me.

And now, please excuse me. I'm going back into hibernation.


2005, Mark Hoback