"It's a wonderful experience to be greeted by such warmth by the leaders of our great state. It's especially true when you've had a very long week." - 2/17/06  Dick Cheney, for some reason speaking to the Wyoming State Legislature

Dick Cheney certainly had a nice day today, I must say. Not at all like the living hell that he had lived through the rest of the week. He woke up in his mansion this morning as an unwanted man. There will be no charges in his shooting mishap.

"Hellfire," said officer Gil Miguel, who filed the report, "I only make $23,000 a year, and that's before taxes and social security, thank you very much. No problems here, this was all an innocent mix-up, Mister Cheney didn't do anything wrong except get a little sun in his eyes. Move along, there's nothing to see... You think I want to wake up and read in the paper that I've been selling crack to twelve year olds?"

Later in the morning, Cheney was cheered when he heard the assistant president grade his performance as satisfactory. Speaking to reporters following a meeting with President Alvaro Uribe of Colombia, Bush said, "Uribe. That's a heck of a funny name. Heh. But about the vice president, this is a man who likes the outdoors, and he likes to hunt. Me too. I'm down with that. I like to hunt fish and he likes to hunt birds. And he heard a bird flushed, and he turned and pulled the trigger and old Harry never knew what hit him. What the heck. He's lucky he still has his head attached to his neck."

To celebrate this sudden reversal of fortune, the Senate decided that there would be no investigation of NSA domestic surveillance. Majority Leader Frist explained "It's just one less thing Dick will have to worry about this weekend. And after all the unfair treatment he's received this week, I'm glad we could make this happen."

Then Cheney found a penny on the floor of the Executive Office Building. Not just any penny, but a rare, uncirculated 1909-S VDB, long known as the Cadillac of pennies. "My stars," said Cheney, "this must have fallen out of Ted Kennedy's pocket." Indeed it had, but Cheney invoked 'finders keepers privilege'.

Then he was off rushed to Air Force 2, where he loosened his shoes and watched a satellite feed from FOX, in which Harry Whittington apologized for all the trouble he had caused by diving in front of Cheney's quail. "My family and I are deeply sorry for all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through this past week. Due to my inconsideration, this poor man has been distracted, however briefly, from the war on terror. And for that, I'm deeply apologetic."

"As long as he's sorry," muttered Cheney.

Cheney's final stop for the day was at the Wyoming State House, where he was given a standing ovation by the legislators just because he's a pretty swell guy. There he gave a very pleasant speech on water privatization, which was interrupted briefly for the announcement of the winning Powerball numbers. Cheney unfolded a piece of paper and smiled.

"It's been a good day," he said. "A choice one."

 

2006, Mark Hoback