<knock knock> Hey Bill, open up. And tell Moose out here to let go of my raincoat. It's number 41. <whispers> I have something good out here.

Clinton: Hi there George - what's that you've got with you?

GB41: I snagged some of those little airport bottles of J&B. Let's get a little buzz on, whatcha say? I just hate these funeral trips.

BC: You took those bottles off of Air Force 1? George, I'm going to teach you to be a professional ex-president yet. Watch this. <opens closet> Jack, get me a bottle of Wild Turkey, a bucket of ice, and some nice smoked salmon. Anything else, George?

GB41: Cheese.

BC: And some cheese. You like those little slices of American, don't you George?

GB41: You bet. Like the song goes, "The USA it always pleases, first in war and first in cheeses"

BC: "And first in liquor, thank you Jesus!"

GB41 & BC: Heh, heh, ha ha hee ha ha...

Jack: Here's your order, sir.

GB41: Man, that was fast. And look, he even got the individually wrapped Kraft slices.

BC: You've got to learn to use your secret service guys effectively, George. They can do some quality work. After all, that's what they're here for.

GB41: You're right, Bill. I guess I just never had anybody to show me the ins and outs of being an ex-president.

BC: Tell me about it...

<knock knock>

BC: Who's there.

Voice: It's number 39.

GB41: Oh no, it's Jimmy Carter.

BC: Aww, shit. What's he doing here, anyway? We didn't invite him. Jimmy is about the least fun ex-president ever...

Voice: I've come to booorrrreee you. Let me in so we can all discuss world hunger.

GB41: Hide the booze! Hide the booze!

BC <low voice>: Go away. There's no ex-presidents here.

GBI: Go back to the peanut patch, farm boy.

Voice: Shoot the door off, Moose. <bang bang> Hey, it's me! Number 43! Scared you guys, didn't I?

GB41: Son, one of these days those hijinks of yours are going to get you into real trouble. Now sit down and pour yourself a nice stiff drink.

GB43: Quit torturing me with that joke, Pop. You know I'm tempted... What a day. I could go for a glass of Country Time Lemonade and some ribs if I had my druthers.

BC: Jack...

Jack: Here you are, Mister President. Extra Bulls Eye Spicy Honey BBQ Sauce on the side.

GB43: Wow, Bill. Your guy is good! Where'd you find somebody like that?

BC: Tell you when you're an ex.

GB43: I'm holding you to that, compadre. Hey guys, guess what I have here in my hand?

GB41: A rib?

GB43: No, my other hand. It's the keys to the Popemobile.

BC & GBI: The Popemobile! Cool!

GB41: Thought we might take it out for a little spin...

BC: I get to drive!

GB43: No way Jose. Press ever found out that I let Bill Clinton drive the Popemobile, they'd never let me live it down. Plus, you always steer to the left.

GB41: As the senior ex-president present, I think I should be allowed to drive.

GB43: Forget it, Pop. You're already half in the bag.

Moose: Excuse me Mister President and ex-presidents, I've got trouble outside. It's Jimmy Carter.

BC: Fool me twice, shame on me. Okay, Moose, let him in.

GB41: Heh, heh. I bet it's Tony Blair.

Jimmy Carter: Hi fellows.

GB41, GB43, BC: Yiiii! Jimmy Carter!

JC: I had a heckuva time finding you guys. You know, your protocol chief had me way on the other side of Vatican City.

GB43: I knew I shouldn't have blown that door off.

JC: I thought while the four of us were together we could discuss election reform. You know...

BC: Oh, man...

JC: ...I have monitored elections from all over the world, and there is much we could learn...

GB43: Let me see that bottle.

GB41 <whispering> Is there nothing we can do?

JC: ...from other democracies and from our own citizens. In fact...

BC: Jack...

Jack: Yes sir. Mister Carter, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. The ex-President's Club is strictly limited to the most current three ex-presidents, and of course, the sitting president, who chairs the club. Now if you'll just...

JC: But I am one of the top three!

BC: No, Jimmy, I'm thinking you're number four...

GB41: Yeah, that's right Bill. There's you, then me, then Gerald Ford, then Jimmy here...

JC: But I was after Ford!

BC: That's what the president said, Jimmy. Me, George, Gerald, and then you. Now if you would be so kind...

JC: This is revisionist history! I'm not leaving until...

BC: Jack...

 


2005, Mark Hoback