The Senate approved bold new legislation today which would allow Americans to not have their prescription drugs seized when crossing over from the Canadian border. The measure was approved by a 68-32 margin, even though pharmaceutical companies claim that the provision could cost them up to seven trillion dollars in revenue per year. Approximately 135 million citizens engage in this behavior on a monthly basis, and it was the contention of the Senate that it might make more sense for the Customs and Border Security folks to engage in something more worthwhile, such as looking for terrorists.

Not everyone bought into this simple-minded theory, however. Republican Senator Judd Gregg, for example, understand that this measure is a dastardly attempt to make the FDA reverse itself and create "a massive hole on our capacity to secure our borders and protect ourselves.'' He then painted a scenario designed to put a smile on the face of every terrorist dwelling in the frozen tundra.

''If I were a creative terrorist, I would say to myself, 'Hey, listen, all I've got to do is produce a can here that says 'Lipitor' on it, make it look like the original Lipitor bottle, which isn't too hard to do, fill it with anthrax.''

"Fill it with Anthrax and do what?" queried Senator David Vitter. "For a moment you seemed like you were going somewhere with that but then you just kind of stopped."

"Just find a Lipitor bottle and fill it with Anthrax, that's all," replied Gregg, sounding and looking particularly snappy in one of his custom made red and purple cloaks. "Just fill it up."

"There seems to be a lack of follow through in your thinking, Judd," Senator George Allen interjected civilly. "Okay, you've got this bottle, and you've made a little Lipitor label for it. Obviously you've got a bag of Anthrax, I accept your assertion on that. But after you've filled the bottle and presumably sealed it, then what's next? Do you try to find tourists and ask them if they'd like to buy a bottle of Lipitor really cheap? Or... I don't know. You've kind of lost me."

"I said 'If I were a creative terrorist'," responded Gregg. "Obviously I'm not."

 

2006, M Hoback