Democrats Unveil Winning New Strategy

Senate Democrats have unveiled a new unified strategy on the Iraq 'conflict' that appears to be a clear crowd pleaser and which they hope will bolster their chances of regaining control of the Senate in the 2006 election cycle. Stung by Republican characterization of them as the 'cut and run party', they have nevertheless been bolstered by polls which consistently show that the majority of Americans are in favor of cutting and running, as long as it doesn't have to be called that.

"It's just got a negative connotation that the American people don't like," explains DNC Chairman Howard Dean. "We need to redefine our strategy into something snappier, something with a feel good vibe to it. I'll offer up 'Victorization', but I challenge the members of my party to come up with something even better."

Senator Kennedy was the first out of the gate with a slogan, but most felt that 'Cut and Walk Away Slowly with Sadness in Our Hearts' was too unwieldy. The reaction was similar with Senator Kerry's 'We Fucked Up, Man, Let's Get the Hell Out of Here'. The senator later offered an amended version, 'We Screwed Up, America, Let's Beat Feet', but was told that he'd already had his chance and it was time for him to move along before he bummed everyone out.

A consensus favorite was swiftly found with Senator Robert Menendez's 'Cut and Strut', a slogan so catchy that even Senator Clinton could be seen silently mouthing it. "I like it, dude," said Dean. "That is the bomb. B.O.M.B. The bombarooski. I think it's just about Miller time."

"Cut and Strut, yeah, it's a Hispanic thing. You've got to have pride, my brother, hold your head high. We won. We surely did. We kicked some serious ass in Iraq, took down Saddam, yes we did. Freed the people and that's a fact. And we gave those terrorist a whipping they won't soon forget. Hi-yo! Celebrate, people, let's Cut and Strut. I saw a picture of Zarqawi the other day, and guess what? Dead as a doornail. Time for us to shuffle on out of Iraq and concentrate on bagging some more al-Qaeda booty and Taliban tail. We the man. Victory is ours, already, wake up and smell the glory. Come on everybody, let's cut and strut."

 

2006, Mark Hoback