David Parker

President Bush drove many conservative reporters into a loony fit last week when he said that schools ought to teach students both the theory of evolution and unintelligent design, so the children “can understand what the debate is about.”

Well, the president happens to be 100% correct that both theories should be taught. Competing ideologies should be presented in such a way as to make it easy to tell which kids are suckers and which ones are not. Anyone who thinks that they are related to a chimpanzee is probably correct on at least one level, but unintelligent design is evident in every aspect of life.

Let me offer a real life example. I'm a pretty smart guy if I do say so myself, but what are we to make of my next door neighbor? The man is a certifiable slob as well as a lunatic. The fact that we are supposedly part of the same species boggles the mind. He mows his yard in a pair of raggedy shorts and no t-shirt, his massive belly causing major distress to me and my family. And he will not turn down his radio, no matter how politely I ask. "How am I supposed to hear it over my lawnmower?" he asks me. "Now get the hell of my yard, Parker."

How would Darwin explain this? In spite of this man's haughty behavior, he is quite incapable of understanding why bad things keep happening to his car. The man personifies unintelligent design, and there are many more examples where he came from. Like the Rosenthals, two houses down.

Consider, if you will, the mighty ocean. Covering three-quarters of the globe, it is totally undrinkable. And to make matters worse, it is full of sharks and other deadly fish that would rather eat you than give you the time of day. How intelligent is that? Who amongst us would design such an abomination? Would Darwin's evolutionary theory have given us houseflies? To what possible end? How about spiders and mosquitoes? And what are we to think about the worldwide prevalence of in-laws? They can only be explained by unintelligent design.