Wear Tom Now

"The sharks are circling again," says the announcer, his voice hovering slightly north of panic. "The liberals, the media... they're in a frenzy." A nasty-ass shark swims straight towards the camera, threatening to bite right into it with those pearly whites. 'Last year the sharks went after President Bush' is superimposed on the screen. Wow. He must have been terrified.

"They even attacked him with a counterfeit story on the national news. But the sharks missed him." Okay, I get it. This is a metaphor, isn't it? Cause, like, otherwise they would have attacked him with something more substantial. Wonder what the sharks will do next. "Now the sharks are after Tom Delay." Run Tom, run! We see those teeth again, close up, and learn that Tom is a supporter of the free market system. And finally we're admonished to "remember what the sharks tried to do to President Bush. Don't let them take a bite out of Tom Delay."

It's that last line that breaks me up - "Don't let them take a bite out of Tom Delay". You would think that Washington lobbying group 'The Free Enterprise Fund' would drop their metaphor about now and say something like "write your congressman", but no, it's "Don't let them take a bite out of Tom Delay".

That's why you should help save the poor boy's ass by buying a Tom Delay t-shirt. Because, uh, the TV show 'Law & Order' hurt Tom's feelings with their smart-ass crack about "putting out an APB for anyone wearing a Tom Delay t-shirt," but that wasn't really an attack on Delay, it was an attack on "lower taxes, greater personal freedom, smaller government and the creation of a safe and secure retirement system."

In addition, if everyone is wearing Tom Delay t-shirts, it makes it harder for the cops to locate the real Tom Delay in a round up.

All Tom Delay t-shirts are 100% combed cotton picked from the world renowned riverbanks of Nigeria by highly compensated cotton pickers who unlike those sharks believe fully in the free market system - hellfire, they're part of it, an important part, too, don't you get any funny ideas now - shirts come in either Tom-Soul black or fully  transparent - you'll need to wear another t-shirt under that if you're wearing it to the office, ladies - sizes come in large, extra large, and grandiose. All our shirts are equipped with double stitched sleeves that won't come loose no matter how hard you tug on em and tug on em folks will, wanting to know where they can buy this fabulous item for themselves.  Smokers, for an extra two dollars, your Tom Delay t-shirt can be outfitted with a front pocket perfect for transporting your Kents with the patented micronite filter, the finest Virginia tobacco in all the land. Act now and get at no cost whatsoever the Tom Delay armband, perfect for wearing as a protest on those ugly days when someone is hassling Tom - they're a lovely red with black stitching, 'Just Say No To Sharks', send a message to the world with your Tom Delay Shirt and matching arm band, only $25 dollars for this quality item that is destined to become a collectors item in the years to come, please include $5 for shipping and handling, the Tom Delay t-shirt is fully tax deductible, allow 4 to 6 weeks for shipping, don't let them take a bite out of Tom Delay

 

2005. Mark Hoback