It's The Democratic Response to the SOTU!!!!!!

Following is the text of Harry Reid's Democratic Response to the 2005 State of the Union Address.

REID: I'm Harry Reid from Nevada, the new Democratic leader of the United States Senate.

PELOSI: I'm Nancy Pelosi of California, the Democratic leader of the House of Representatives.

REID: Thanks Nancy. Senators go first. The floor is all yours if anyone is still awake after I finish. Now that you've heard from the president, I appreciate your taking a few minutes with us as we give our blistering views on how we can live up to the American promise. You can do it. Ever hear of me? And yet, here I am, the Senate minority leader. What a great country.

Me, I was born and raised in the high desert of Nevada in a tiny town called Stoplight. My dad was a rock hard minor. My mom took in wash, and the folks in that little town could never figure out what happened to their clothes. They'd have to buy them back, all nice and clean, at mom's little thrift store. I grew up around people of strong values, even if they rarely talked about them, cause the town was so small, we didn't know what a value was. We just had them. They loved their country, worshiped God, never shunned hard work and never asked for special flavors, even though our Baskin-Robins only had vanilla and dingleberry.

My life has been very different from what I imagined growing up, when I had my heart set on being a professional wrestler. But no matter how far I've traveled, Stoplight is still the place I always go back to when I need a good photo-op and I'm too tired to make it to Vegas.

A few weeks ago, I joined some 'friends' of mine for a 'bite to eat' at the Golden Nugget, Stoplight's only topless rib joint, at least the only one with on-premises gambling. We were sitting down in a booth waiting for our ribs when a young boy, about 10 years old, named Devon, walked up to us. "What the heck are you doing in here, kid," we asked, knowing full well he was not of legal drinking age.

Carrying a skateboard under his arm and a twinkle in his eye, he said, "Senator Reid, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. Incredibly boring."

Well, let me say with all false modesty, the truth is Devon could probably do a lot better than that. Not. But the point still holds, and it's this: When you're the senate minority leader and you stop in at the Golden Nugget, you're going to get free ribs. All you want. Because a liquor license is a terrible thing to lose. 

It's important that we succeed, because we're the party of ideas. Here's one: a casino where Americans of all races and faiths could play for school vouchers. Huh? <speaks off mike> Sorry. Nancy says we don't believe in school vouchers. So let me throw out another idea - ostrich races. Cause those birds look mighty funny when they get going full speed. 

It's time that America's government lived up to the same values as America's families. And I'm not just talking about religious intolerance either, I'm talking about intolerance of all types. Being against it. It's time we invested in America's future and made sure our people have the skills to compete and thrive in a 21st-century economy. That's where we are, right now, right smack dab in the 21st century, where the one-eyed man is king. That's what Democrats believe, and that's where we stand, and that's what we'll fight for.

Too many of the president's economic policies have left Americans and American companies struggling. And after we worked so hard to eliminate the deficit, his policies have added trillions to the debt -- in effect, a "birth tax" of $36,000 on every child that is born. Tonight the Democrats would like to propose a $36,000 tax on the 'born again'. If you're going to talk the talk, you ought to be willing to walk the walk.

We Democrats have a different vision, brought on in part by the high quality of drugs that are now flooding our country's border. We're ready to spur research and develop new technologies and help create the jobs of the future, rolling up our sleeves, spitting on the ground, taking crap from no man, and fighting for tomorrow's jobs today, ending the special tax breaks that encourage big corporations to ship jobs overseas, and tell John Galt he can go fornicate himself with all that la-de-dah-dee do-re-mi that reams this country like a rancid groundhog.

After World War II, through the Marshall Plan, we rebuilt Europe, and they went from poverty to an economic powerhouse. Now it's payback time. Let's declare war on someone who can at least speak our language in a pinch. As a gesture of solidarity with the Republicans, let it be France, then maybe Italy, but never our good friends the British.

Today, we need to invest in our own nation's future with a Marshall Plan for America to build the infrastructure our economy needs to go. Pardon my lip-lock, but the Republicans are purposely making a racket in the hall. We'll call it something else, but it'll be the same, except for the fact that our cities haven't been devastated by war. But lets not pick nits.

President Eisenhower did that in the 1950s with interstate highways. National investment created the Internet in the 1970s. We need to build the next economy, and we need to start now. The Democrats propose that we build a new interstate highway, but one with more lanes, and a new Internet that will block out spam and keep porn away from our children.

The 21st-century economy holds great promise for our people. But unless we give all Americans the skills they need to succeed, countries like India and China will be taking our good-paying jobs, raping our cattle and hog-tying our women. We say no.

You know, today is my favorite holiday, Groundhog Day. And what we saw and heard tonight was a little like my favorite movie, also named "Groundhog Day", except for the part where we get Andie MacDowell in the end. Am I rambling? You bet. But that's because I left the last two pages of this speech in my other suit, and then my wife sends the suit to the cleaners, and I'm like 'Duh', what am I supposed to do now, and she's like 'for God's sake Harry, don't tell me you don't have a backup copy, and I just kind of hung my head and, you know, it was already time for the state of the union to begin, so let me just say this, I very strongly disagree with the president's plan to privatize Social Security, and I've got a lot of good reasons and good sound alternatives, but that thing about the suit...

 

2005, Mark Hoback