Wild Youths Rock Their Socks Off In Party For The President

Hillary Duff gets to second base with the assistance of President Bush

Scads of crazy kids put on their dancing shoes and boogied the night away at the pre-inaugural presidential pop show billed as 'America's Future Rocks Today: A Call to Service'.

Proving that you don't have to be a liberal to have a good time, hundreds of young guys and dolls joined hostesses with the mosteses Barb and Jen Bush to get on down to the sounds of Ruben Studdard, Hilary Duff, Ryan Cabrera, and JoJo, and to listen to messages about how they can make a real difference by sending their shoes to Afghanistan and cleaning up parks.

We'll Make the Bed Before Checking Out, Daddy-O, Can We Get You a Refreshing Non-Alcoholic Beverage. You probably think that I'm making all this up as some sort of hallucinatory salute to the fifties. Sadly, no.

Skateboarders flung their silly asses up and down a set of ramps to show their support for an administration which will reward their efforts with a dismal future filled with mounting debt and the promise of eternal war. A really cool tent was set up on the perimeter, filled with G rated video games, tables recruiting for volunteer organizations (like the all-volunteer Army!), and information about the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. A disc jockey tossed Girl Scout cookies to the crowd from his booth, while happy campers waved glow sticks. Welcome to Hell.

Festivities were only slightly marred when the singer from some boring Emo band opened his potty mouth and in a misguided bid for street cred shouted "Welcome to the greatest fucking country in the world." He quickly apologized, which really wasn't necessary, as the crowd was well aware that they indeed were at the greatest fucking party for the greatest fucking president of the greatest fucking country in the world.

The Prez knew it too. He addressed the crowd directly (in what our fevered imagination can only hope was a perfect Ed Sullivan imitation), asking “How about Hilary Duff? She was fantastic. How about 3 Doors Down? Pretty cool guys, right? Seem cool to me.”

 

©2005, Mark Hoback