President Bush, striking back hard today against slanderous accusations that he was once - in his youth - seen singing the national anthem in Spanish, declared today a new English speaking holiday that he dubbed 'The Fifth of May', and called upon bars across the nation to extend their happy hour "until the sun goes down and the moon rules the sky".
Wearing the ugliest poncho he could find (noting that it was a Sears poncho, not a Mexican one), the president declared that not only had he never sung "the star spangled nanner" in Spanish, but that his command of the language was "for shito. That's why I hate these people coming into this country talking gobbledy gook. They're hard enough to understand when they speak American. Forget it when the start in with that por ke dos mas."
Outgoing press secretary Scott McClellan seconded the president's contention. "I'm saying that not only was that rumor absurd, but that he couldn't possibly have sung the national anthem in Spanish. He's just not that good with his Mexican. Hell, he's not that good with language in general. About the only thing that he can say in Spanish is 'gimme another taco, Jose'."
Democrats immediately seized on McClellan's statement as an admission that the president consumes Mexican food. Senator Barack Obama, appearing on FOX news, told Shepard Smith that "it's a sad day when we find out the president of this great country is in fact a bean eater." On Capitol Hill, minority leader Nancy Pelosi introduced a resolution which would make the Hamburger the national food. The bill passed 417-5 in a landslide vote, with the only dissenting votes coming from representatives Velazques, Gonzalez, Cardoza, Sanchez, and Diaz-Balart.
©2006, Mark Hoback