Get smart, Pelosi...

Just get the hell out of here with your idle threats, Pelosi. You think you can drop a dime on Tom DeLay and get away with it? Better men than you have tried it, Nancy. Yeah, you heard right. That was no slip of the tongue. You know I got some real good friends, don't you?  Like your homeboy, Randy Cunningham, the one from 'Happy Days'. He's from your own state, Nancy, and he's been keeping his eyes on you.

"If they're going to go after Tom DeLay, we're going to go after Nancy Pelosi," that's what he said, girl, at least that's the cleaned up version. Something about reaming you a new asshole for free. That's not me speaking, that's someone who's got my back, and there's a lot of people in that army. Yeah, good old Ritchie Cunningham, angry man with an angry knife, and even better with a camera. You didn't think anyone would ever find out about Luella Hotpanteski, did you? HA! TAKE A LOOK AT THESE PICTURES!

Oh. That's you're daughter? Well, she looks like a little tramp to me, and Tom DeLay has seen plenty of little tramps in his life, believe you me. And what the hell are you doing kissing her? Don't you liberals know how to shake hands? Okay, forget Cunningham, he's small potatoes anyway. I've exterminated bigger potatoes than that. But don't be surprised if you wake up in the morning and see a picture of you and THIS MAN, SPLATTERED ACROSS THE FRONT OF THE MORNING PAPERS.

Well yes, I know that's Joe Lieberman, but he's a funny looking squirt, isn't he? And wouldn't all your colleagues like to know what's going on in the cloakroom... heh, heh, inquiring minds, I'm sure. Because if this picture wasn't cropped at the waist, I'm pretty sure that we could all see JOE'S HAND ON YOUR ASS.

And that ass is something you better watch real close, Pelosi. I don't suppose you've met Cunningham's little friend, have you? The Fonz? No, not the frigging Friends of the National Zoo, I'm talking about Arthur Fonzarelli. Yeah, that's right, The Fonz, brutal warrior of the socio-political arena, good with his fists, better with a chain letter. He's working for me now, so be careful where you go poking that nose of yours. Now get the hell out of here, and don't let the door knock you... uh... don't let your ass hit the door... uh... don't let the doorknob hit you where the good lord split you. Yeah.

 

2005, Mark Hoback