Is Iran Preparing to Kick Our Asses?

The president used his virtually unheard Saturday morning radio broadcast to tell the nation about a threatening new development in the Middle East.

"Fellow Americans, the war against terror is a long war, one in which we must remain ever vigilant and one in which surrender is not an option. We need to be constantly alert, which is what our intelligence agencies are, no matter how many in the Democratic Party would like to see them less engaged. Right now, we've got a lot of skeptics out there urging us to engage in talks with Iran, even though I have said repeatedly that they are our enemy and hate us for our freedom."

"That is why I am revealing to you today the news that our alert intelligence agencies have picked up a report from the Islamic Republic News Agency that Iran has won the World University Taekwondo Championship. Taekwondo, as you probably know, is a particularly brutal form of foot fighting. It was developed by the South Koreans as a way to kick an enemy to death while keeping their hands free to shoot another enemy in the face, or to throw a hand grenade at them, or maybe even slash them to bits with a machete. To know that this deadly technology is now in the hands - or feet - of the Iranians is to look squarely into the freckled face of fear. An Iranian with freckles, now that's scary. Well, this country will not flee the flailing feet of foreign fundamentalist fascist fanaticism. So there."

The US was not alone in it's shock and, well, confusion. International observers collectively scratched their noggins, wondering just what Iranians were doing taking up the ancient Korean art of war. Dr. Joyce Winfield, of the BATIK institute in Milan ventures a guess. "I suspect that the whole Iranian nuclear ploy is really a bluff, buying them time to build up a vast army of foot fighters while the West prepares for a vastly different mission."

Whatever the case, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has done nothing to quell the world's apprehension. Last month he announced that the imperial army would henceforth be known as 'The Fighting Feets of the Prophet of the Peeps', and commissioned  Smashmouth to record a new single by the same name. It is currently number three with a bullet on the Iranian hot one hundred.


2006, Mark Hoback