June 28, 2007

Dear Chairman Leahy and Chairman Conyers:

On June 13, 2007, the White House received two subpoenas from your Committees requesting documents relating to the perfectly legal replacement of United States Attorneys, calling for the documents to be produced by June 28, 2007.

May I congratulate you on your bold move while concurrently informing you that it's a little too late to grow a pair now. It is with no small amount of glee that I write at the direction of the President to advise and inform you that the President has decided to assert Executive Privilege and therefore the White House will not be providing any production in response to these foolhardy subpoenas for documents.

In addition, Chairman Leahy subpoenaed documents from former Deputy Assistant to the President and Director of Political Affairs Sara M. Taylor, with the same return date of June 28, 2007.

Don't even dream about it, Leahy, lest your heart be bruised by things that it cannot have. Chairman Conyers has also subpoenaed documents from former Counsel to the President Harriet E. Miers, with a return date of July 12, 2007. What should I tell you other than 'no'? A ladies documents are private. Stick it up your poop chute, Conyers. Further. Really get it in there good, and hear these truths that I speak.

Counsel for Ms. Taylor and Ms. Miers have been informed of the President's decision to assert Executive Privilege and have been asked to relay to Ms. Taylor and Ms. Miers a direction from the President not to produce any documents. Please have one of your aides take a picture of your disappointed little face and email it to me toot sweet, as the President has tasked me to produce a photo collage of spineless bedwetters for display at the opening of the new White House Press Room next week.

With respect, it is with much regret that we are forced down this unfortunate path which we sought to avoid by finding grounds for mutual accommodation. Sigh. We had hoped this matter could conclude with your Committees receiving information in lieu of our having to invoke Executive Privilege. Instead, we have reached this conclusion. You little fools.

Perhaps you are tingling with excitement, believing yourselves to be on the verge of a constitutional crisis where you can utter heroic words to a public that deeply and truly cares. Be under no such illusion.

When I was a younger man, I worked for the unfairly maligned Richard M Nixon, who was wounded deeply by ambitious men such as yourselves. Those of us who survived the coop learned lessons we would not soon forget. A decade later, we teamed with the Emancipator. Behind Lord Reagan's twinkling eye there stood a man who was the law. History did not repeat itself , nor will it now.

At the outset of this controversy, the President attempted to chart a course of cooperation. It was his intent that Congress receive information in a manner that accommodated Presidential prerogatives, not congressional prerogatives. Perhaps it was less than a conversation between equals, but at least it was a conversation. And now that the door is closed to even that, the conversation has ended. Now I will take my leave of you as well.

The president wishes to make it clear that if there are to be any future attempts at dialogue, you should speak to the hand. The hand is named Johnny.

Respectfully yours,

Fred F. Fielding

 

2007, Mark Hoback