A group of more than two hundred angry frozen embryos is gathered in front of the Capitol today, protesting new legislation which would expand federal funding of stem cell research. Cries of 'Lincoln was an embryo too' and 'Screw Nancy Reagan' rang out amongst their piteous cries of fear and outrage.

"My mommy is a murderer," said one embryo, unnamed because of the fact that it's a friggin frozen embryo. "She would rather donate me to science than put me in her uterus where I could grow into a snowflake baby. I'm pretty sure my name would be Suzy if I were allowed to live, Suzy Snowflake, the little girl who discovered the cure for cancer, but didn't, because... I just can't say it. It's too horrible to even contemplate..."

"I wanted to hedge my bets by being here today," said a frozen embryo who insisted on calling itself Bob despite the fact that it was nowhere near a stage of sexual differentiation. "I'm pretty sure that the president, a wise and moral man, will veto this legislation as soon as it reaches him. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, figuratively speaking."

Presidential spokesman Tony Snow briefly dropped by the rally to pass along words of comfort. "Don't worry, little frozen embryos. Be strong. The president hears your tiny pleas for help and sends his assurances that you'll never end up as a part of some obscene Frankensteinian experiment. He will ensure that you have the future which you so richly deserve, that of medical waste."

 

2006, Mark Hoback