It's all good, my brother. The Lord loves it when his children boogie down.

The Rev. Louis P. Sheldon, chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition, has given us something new to fear: Religious Left Sock Puppets. These fearsome critters are being fronted by atheist billionaire George Soros, with the insidious goal of stealing the moral high ground from the religious right by using religious verbiage to fool Americans into voting for liberalism.

Sheldon is not so naive, and is sounding the alarm for the faithful. "No matter how well you train a wolf to say 'BAAAAAA', it doesn't change an important fact -- he is still a wolf. Liberals are the sworn enemies of religious Americans."

As James Bowden tells us in an, uh, interesting Free Republic editorial, "Liberals will marginalize Protestant Christian Evangelicals. Especially, Southern Baptists and the Assembly of God. First, Liberals will call them Fundamentalists and liken to the Muslim Fundamentalists. Even though an Islamist will kill Liberalsí families and cut off their heads, while a Baptist will get on his knees to pray for Liberals and rise to eat fried chicken."

You're probably asking yourself, 'how do you make a Religious Left Sock Puppet?' It's easy! First, get yourself a sock. (These can be found at many of the stores that sell clothing.) Now,  Put the sock on your left hand so that your middle finger is in the toe and the back of your wrist is in the heel. Now we're ready to make a big mouth for all the sanctimonious words to come out of, so grab those scissors and get cutting. Hmm, let's see, grab some rigid material (a bible will do) and glue some devil red fabric to it, and then thrust it into the sock, securing it with an industrial strength adhesive, and you, my friend are almost there. You just need to dress it up with little eyeballs and give it a name like Reverend Fluffy or Pastor Foot. Now get on out there and spew some claptrap!



©2005, Mark Hoback