Hungry Cannibal Attacks Pat Buchanan

Libertarian commentator Pat Buchanan was forced to cut short an appearance at Western Michigan University, when a wild man attacked him armed with a knife and fork, and covering him with a heavy layer of Hidden Valley Spicy Ranch salad dressing.

"You've got a real thrashing coming to you, buddy," shouted Buchanan, bonking the cannibal over the noggin with his microphone. "I am somewhat less than amused. You want a piece of me? Do you? You want a piece of me? You realize, of course, that this is a rhetorical question. You obviously want a piece of me, but nobody eats Pat Buchanan."

In a matter of seconds, Buchanan had the hapless flesh eater on his back, threatening him with his own utensils. "Fork you," he bellowed, plunging the steely tines into the leg of the frightened savage. Security guards reached the stage in time to prevent any further mayhem. The cannibal, know by the name Ugah, is considering taking legal action for injuries obtained during the struggle.