Someone Has Kidnapped the President's iPod...

Pull up to my bumper baby, and drive it in between...

Sources close to the president have revealed that 'iPod One' was indeed kidnapped and reprogrammed in an effort to undermine the chief executives innate manliness, and by extension, sap the testosterone out of the entire United States, thereby condemning it to the slagheap of history.

While it has been reported that the presidential iPod does contain a couple of manly songs by artists such as George Jones and the Knack, we have learned that the majority of tunes come from spectacularly unmanly acts such as Abba, Wham!, and Frankie goes to Hollywood.

"It's a fucking disgrace," admits Karl Rove, "and we've got to remedy the situation quickly. That thing is chock full of disco and show tunes, but it gets even uglier than that. Let me just say two words - 'Muskrat Love'."

Rove theorizes that the iPod reprogramming may have occurred early last week when Bush was meeting with President Kevinjohn from Gaystania. "We were on guard, all right. The administration has nothing but contempt for President Kevinjohn - well, up until the past few days, anyway. But we never thought we had a reason to protect the first iPod. And now my poor president is listening to the Pet Shop Boys."


Presidential iPod Feared Lost in Biking Accident

President Bush, doing something he never intended to do

Presidential Spokesman Jean Carey reports that the presidential iPod has been 'misplaced' following a bicycle accident of near biblical proportions.

"We thought he was just going out for a quick ride - you know, five or ten heart healthy miles, and then we got the call from the secret service that the president was on the beltway. We stopped traffic for several miles in both directions, but the president kept pedaling away. He seemed oblivious, even ignoring the helicopter that we had overhead. It's that damn iPod, I just know it. We followed him all the way to Great Falls - that's where he went over the cliff. Lucky for him he was wearing his helmet. But the iPod is gone. Right now they've got a team of about fifty soldiers from Fort Belvoir searching the surrounding area."

Surprisingly, Karl Rove happened to be on the scene at the time of the accident. Rove had recently expressed concern about the president's iPod, suggesting that unfriendly foreign interests could reprogram the device with tunes that would cause the president to experience a sudden loss of manliness.

"The worst appears to already have happened," he opined when reached for comment. "The president I know would never ride over a cliff while listening to Engelbird Humperdinck."


2005, Mark Hoback