1/20/05: Cheney On Imus In The Morning And No One Notices

Imus: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the “Imus in the Morning” program the vice president of United States, Dick Cheney, and wife of the vice president of United States, Lynne Cheney, or as I call her, Mrs. Cheney.  <laughter> Good morning.  How are you guys?  Can I offer you a cold Fresca?

Dick: If you...

Imus: There's a lot of other beverages I could offer you, but I just like to get the Fresca name out there as often as possible. So when they asked us to come down - who is 'us', you ask, and who is 'they', well I can't help you with 'they', but I can tell you that 'us' is we - and we thought—we didn’t want to come because we don’t get invited to any parties or anything. 

Lynne: When we first...

Imus: Seems intentional, doesn't it, not inviting we to any parties? Or anything else, as far as that goes. And so we thought, “Well, let’s create a situation where we’ll make a guest request that we can’t possibly get, and then we won’t have to go.” <laughter> And so we requested you, and you, and so here we are.  And we requested plenty of satisfying Fresca, and just take a look at the studio, there must be three cases in here.

Dick: It’s kind of an awkward moment, isn’t it, Don? 

Imus: Well, no, I’ve embarrassed myself before, which you may have heard about. But there is no way on God's green earth that I can drink all three cases of Fresca on my own. <laughter> That stuff turns to vinegar mighty quick.

Dick: Right. Well, we thought long and hard about it. I mean, we didn’t jump at the chance.  <laughter> But, no, I figured if I was ever going to do the show that there would never be a better morning than this to come spend a little time with a man who lost $20,000 voting on our opponent on the day we get sworn in.  <laughter> Schmuck.<laughter>

Imus: Have you ever wrestled the man? He's deceptively strong. I was telling my good friend Senator McCain that his opponent no longer speaks to me for some reason.  Even though I let him win two out of three times. <laughter> But I guess I wasn’t an enthusiastic enough supporter.  I guess if he had won, I still wouldn't get invited to any parties or anything. <sighs>

Dick: Maybe not.

Imus: Well, I voted for him because I liked him, not because I didn’t like President Bush, which is a huge difference, and really reflects well on the I-man. It's like if you offered me a choice between a Fresca and a Sprite, I would automatically choose the Fresca because of it's brisk citrus taste, not because I don't like the Sprite. Well, we all know what the president is doing today, but what about you, El Veepo - do you get sworn in or do they just send you something in the mail?  <laughter>

Dick: No, it’s a very elaborate ceremony and procedure that we’ve done for some 200 years.  I actually get...

Imus: Sprite's not bad. Just about average. I'd give it about a C in the world of carbonated citrus beverages. Personally, I'd prefer a 7-Up, but generally, you know, you'll find that a lot of merchants just don't carry the 7-Up. Because it's not a Coke product and it's not a Pepsi product. So it just doesn't have that sort of blanket coverage. I guess it's a good thing that I'm a Fresca man and don't have to deal with the issue. Who makes 7-Up, Dick? Do you know?

Cheney: No.

Imus: Me either. It's probably the same group of morons that make Dr. Pepper.<laughter> Ooohhweee, that's some nasty stuff. <laughter> You ever try any of that, Dick? <laughter>

Cheney: No. <laughter>

Imus: Can't say that I blame you. Stay away. <laughter> Stay away big time. <big laughter> Tastes just like skunk soup. <laughter> So, what else happens on the big day?

Cheney: Well, the chief justice will swear in the president and the president will give his acceptance speech.  And then we do all the things the president does, if he does do things.  We go to church this morning after we get through here, just a wink and a nod.  We’ll have a coffee over at the White House, lunch in the Capitol Rotunda and do the parade and so forth.

Imus: Rwanda? Did I understand you to say you were having lunch in Rwanda? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a can-do Veep!

Cheney: No.  You might have...

Imus: Do you know what I like even more that Fresca? The refreshing taste of booze.

Cheney: OK.  Maybe you...

Imus: It's like salt, isn't it? Some people like salt on everything. And then there are those who like ketchup. I find booze to be in that category, personally. You just can't beat it. So. There's a question I've always wanted to ask you, and <unintelligible> theme song, you know, the president has 'Hail to the Chief', and you, do you have a song?

Cheney: 'Theme from the Vice President'.

Imus: Right, right, is their a veep song?

Cheney: No, that's the name, 'Theme from the Vice President'. It's a catchy little song. Paul Anka wrote it, same fella that wrote the Tonight Show theme.

Imus: Really? I don't know if...

Cheney: You've probably heard it. Sounds a lot like 'Green Onions'.


Cheney: Booker T and the MGs.

Lynne: Doo duhduh doo duhduh doo duhduh doo.

Imus: I'm going to have some booze right now. Would either of you care to join me?

Cheney: It's just 7:15 in the morning...

Imus: Right you are, which is why I'm having a Bloody Mary, a traditional morning beverage. You know, being a morning drive jock, I have to get up pretty early, four in the morning sometimes, so my 7:15 in the morning is probably like your 9:30 in the morning <laughter>  Mrs. Cheney, I was talking with my good friend Evan Thomas yesterday, and he described your husband as “gloomy,” implying that he walks around the house muttering to himself and sitting in these darkened rooms contemplating the end of the world. What is he like around the house? 

Lynne: Well, I’m just thinking that, you know, coming from Evan Thomas, this is a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black.

Imus: Evan is black? He never told me that. <laughter> I didn’t get the feeling he meant it in a disparaging sense, the gloomy part and all.  But maybe he did,  but, I mean, he’s not going around with a lamp shade on his head, is he?  <laughter> Tater tots?

Cheney: No.

Imus: Mrs. Cheney, when the vice president was on “Meet the Press” telling Tim Russert about the reconstituted nuclear program in Iraq and suggesting that we’d be greeted as liberators there, did you think, “Oh, God, he’s got into the Kool-Aid again,” or...

Lynne: Well, no, because, you know, the questions and the responses were actually a little bit more nuanced than that.  But I think that what Dick was reflecting...

Imus: I don't want you to think that I am in anyway disparaging Kool-Aid, which is a perfectly acceptable mixer for the man in the street. I prefer Fresca, myself, a little Grey Goose and Fresca, and the world seems all right again. So listen, I know you both have to go. My final question would be, I know I voted for the other guy, you know, the president being insane and all of that, but if we could—and I’m willing to do this for full transparency, if we could make some sort of Armstrong Williams deal...

Cheney: Heh, heh, well, we’ve got one. We brought the bribe before you... some pork chops for Pork Chop Boy.

Imus: The president's own pork chops?

Cheney: None other. Straight from the White House dinner table and into your stomach.

Imus: Oh, wow. Thank you both very much. You're more than kind.

Cheney: Thank you, sir. We enjoy the show.

Imus: Good luck, and congratulations.



©2005, Mark Hoback