Jermaine: Bad Celebrity Relatives, Part 23

What? That ain't me. Not another damn picture of Michael...

Okay, so it hasn't been your year for a long, long time. Your last semi-successful record was twenty years ago, and that was a duet with Pia Zadora. You're living with your mother, away from your ten children, and just wishing you could make Tito money. And when somebody does bother to write about you, they use a picture of your brother since no-one could pick you out of a police lineup.

But still, still, you are a Jackson, dammit, and there ought to be something you could do to earn a buck. Like writing a tell-all about your baby brother. Or at least writing a proposal for a tell-all book about your baby brother.

“My brother is a superstar, yes. My brother is wealthy. He owns shares in Sony music. He drinks, he does drugs, he lies, he cheats, he changed his skin color and mostly, he’s human. He attracts gay men and wards off women like the plague.”

Mmm, let us say that Jermaine starts off fairly enough, depicting Michael as a complex man with many divergent, uh, attributes, yeah attributes, that's the word I'm looking for. His efforts to write a best seller inspired him to come up with a laundry listof those attributes.

My brother has permanent eyeliner, yes. He's a big homo. He once loaned me three hundred bucks after drinking a beer, and he once bought his own Starbucks, and mostly, he's human. He only has two feet and yet he has amassed over five hundred shoes.

"He paid this woman, who nobody would ever look twice at, several million dollars. My brother purchased children. It is like a sanctioned black market. He is very powerful; he picked the sperm donor by using information provided by a sperm bank. Now, who can do that? Michael Jackson, that’s who, my brother."

Now that's cold, busting on Debbie Rowe. Here is this woman nobody would ever look twice at (know the feeling, Jermaine?), and suddenly, here she is, raking in massive mounds of Michael moolah.

FNSB: A one act play

"First National Sperm Bank, how can I help you?"

 "Yes, I'd like to see the profiles of your sperm donors."

"I'm sorry, Miss, but showing profiles of our sperm donors is illegal in forty-three states..."

"Ha, ha, look underneath this mask. It's me, Michael Jackson from the Kingdom of Neverland, also known as the King of Pop."

"...luckily this isn't one of them."

Let's throw in dad.

“Joseph did some disgusting things to Latoya and Rebbie, especially. If it weren’t for Mother’s loyalty to him, he’d probably be in prison for what he did to our sisters.”

And how about Hollywood.

“It was my little brother, he conceived the whole idea behind DreamWorks. The logo is still proudly the official logo of Neverland. Unfortunately, Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen all stole the idea from him. That’s one reason why Michael hates Jewish people so much. But he plays the game with them. There is a game that all in Hollywood play. But the Jews are the powerful ones and they have done a lot to put my brother in his place….just another nigger."

My little brother conceived the entire concept for the toasted cheese puff. He still eats them nearly every single day. Okay, let me clarify - he  thought up the character Chester Cheeto, but the Jews at Frito Lay stole the idea from him. That's why Michael hates those Heebs so much.

It can't be denied that Jermaine has some blockbuster material in his proposal. So how's it working out for him?

Not so good. Michael got hold of the proposal, told Jermaine that he was going to have him thrown out of the Jackson family home, and vowed to sue ghost-writer Stacy Brown, as well as his worthless empty pocketed brother. Says Brown:

"The experience of writing the proposal ... and then having Michael go nuts, Jermaine crying, and the family going into chaos mode was draining and weird, and one that I wouldn't want to deal with again."

Someday this family will be transformed into the ultimate HBO tragicomedy series. Until then, Jermaine is toeing the line, and talking about his 'real' book proposal, not the phony and salacious proposal the press has been reporting (and which sadly, for the unfortunate Jermaine, is on tape).

"Mine was a wonderful book about kids growing up in Indiana," he told KNBC TV. "The hard work and stuff like that."

Let's get serious.


©2006, Mark Hoback