Candidate John Jacobs and friends in happier times

Congressional candidate John Jacob is as mad as hell, but what on earth can he do about it? Here he is, trying his darndest to run a good campaign for Utah's third district, based largely on fear of illegal immigrants and love of the second amendment, and he gets all these awful sulfur-scented meddlers on his tail. Like Satan. According to the Salt Lake Tribune

 Jacob said Thursday that since he decided to run for Congress against Rep. Chris Cannon, Satan has bollixed his business deals, preventing him from putting as much money into the race as he had hoped.

"There's another force that wants to keep us from going to Washington, D.C.," Jacob said. "It's the devil is what it is. I don't want you to print that, but it feels like that's what it is."

Things weren't always this way. At one time Jacob and Lucifer were the best of friends, and would spend hot summer afternoons racing their dune buggies across the arid desert sands of Utah. For his friendship, Jacob was rewarded with numerous lucrative business opportunities, and a future that stretched to the stars. No more.

"I don't know exactly what happened, how we grew apart," says Jacob. "I guess maybe it's the whole immigration thing. I mean, I'm for tough as nails enforcement and he's for more open borders, but I didn't realize that it meant so much to him. He's always been a bit of an enigma, that guy."

"And one more thing. You shmucks at the Salt Lake Tribune - I thought I told you not to print that."


No way I'm going to work on a pic like this and only get to use it once

I just found him and now it looks as though he might be gone?! Life is not even remotely fair! Lucifer's foil looks poised for a fall. I haven't even written about the letters to the bedeviled candidate for Utah's third district yet, and he's already being written about as toast? Oh, man...

John Jacob, we barely knew you, so here's hoping that Satan was just kinda messing with you, and you pull some sort of heavenly miracle out of your hat in tomorrow's primary, and mercifully send you on to victory against Old Scratch's favorite, Chris Cannon.

 Cause Lord knows, what with the plethora of wingnuts wielding honest to goodness power in Washington, we need a few moonbats to keep a smile on our faces. But a victory won't be easy with even right wing pubs like GOPUSA writing slander like this about you.

Now, I know Mormons are very religious folks, but even the most devout must be scratching their heads this weekend wondering if Jacob might be a few fries short of a Happy Meal. As one fellow Mormon close to this race wrote to me after reading about this bizarre charge: “He’s toast. Extra crispy.”

On the other hand, not to be overly gloomy, I suppose there's always Burger King, home of the legendary Whopper.

The supreme irony here is that Cannon is every bit the “loose screw” that Jacob now appears to be. He once told me face-to-face after the impeachment hearings that he believed the Chinese had implanted a chip into Bill Clinton’s head and that the former president was completely under the control of the ChiComs.

It's certainly a race for the ages, but let me have my say. Utahans, if you have a funny bone left in your body, get out there tomorrow and vote early and often. Vote John Jacobs for third district! To hell with the consequences.


and bluesman Steven Segal agrees!



©2005, Mark Hoback