Bush Brings Out the Big Guns For Miers
Sick and tired of having to pussyfoot around with Congress in his attempt to get Harriett Miers confirmed as a Supreme Court justice, President Bush has made his boldest move yet by introducing Judge Larry Joe Doherty, star of 'Texas Justice', during a mandatory meeting of Republicans at a White House breakfast of red-eye gravy and nails. The legislators were not allowed to sit during the event.
"I've got someone I want you to listen to, and listen to good," said the president in his opening remarks. "Some of you seem to be having a bit of a wax build-up in your earholes. I've been trying to get you to consider a good and righteous woman, as splendid an example of jurispru... jarespriden... as good a judge as I can find when I look at all the judges that are good, period."
"Now, yesterday I brought in a real fine bunch of Texan ex-justices, and none of you paid a dang bit of attention to them when they told you why you should vote for Harriett Miers. Now today I'm gonna..."
"You did what, hoss?"
"I, uh, I brought in a fine bunch of Texan ex-judges to..."
"That's what I thought you said. Now what in tarnation were you thinking of bringing in a bunch of ex-judges, ole son?"
"Ex-judges? They were barred from the bench, is that it? Maybe some had a little problem with the bottle? Or could it be, just for the sake of the argument here, that they couldn't cut the judicial mustard?"
"Well, I really don't know..."
"I'll bet you don't. Let me tell you something - maybe you like to talk real tough, but I'm here to tell you that an ex-judge is about as useful as a used condom."
"I guess you might have a point there..."
"Of course I have a point. I'm Judge Larry Joe Doherty of 'Texas Justice'. Now I've got a question for all your disloyal little breakfast buddies. How many of you think that an ex-judge has the ability to toss you in the hoosegow? Let's see a show of hands... Uh, huh... Nobody but Senator Santorum, looks like."
"Oh, sorry. I didn't hear the question..."
"Shut up. Now let's see a count of everyone that thinks that a real judge like me, one who went to the University of Houston, can lock your worthless behind up until you learn to fly right. Yeah. Yeah, heh heh. Huh? What's that? You got a question? Yeah, I'm pointing at you, Senator Stevens..."
"Uh, yes sir... I was thinking, mmm, I'm guessing that you could probably toss Tom Delay in the, uh..."
"In the hoosegow, but, I guess, uh, you probably wouldn't have any jurisdiction in, let's say, Alaska, would you?"
"Son, I'm a TV judge, I've got jurisdiction anywhere the airwaves will take me. A TV judge is like a force of nature, understand?"
"I'm going to be watching you. I'm going to be watching the entire lot of you. Now let's see a show of hands from everybody who intends to give the little lady a chance. Uh huh, much better. Looking good. Back to you, George."
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©2005, Mark Hoback