An unhappy General Jay W. Hood calls incidents unacceptable

The U.S. military has released unsettling new details about five confirmed cases of American military personnel disrespecting the Koran at Guantanamo Bay prison. Brig. Gen. Jay W. Hood, commander of Joint Task Force Guantanamo, inadvertently made a snarly face as he relayed the information about the incidents.

The general has just completed a grueling three-week inquiry into reports of mishandling of the Koran, consisting primarily of extensive Googling of legitimate news sites. He confirmed five cases of intentional or unintentional mishandling of the holy book, including two where soldiers reportedly ate pork or pork by-products while studying the text. Both of these incidents occurred before the Pentagon had issued guidance in the form of Koran Handling Guidelines RD.1301-6. Three incidents, however, took place after RD.1301-6 had been disseminated to the field. Hood's investigation also verified 437 incidents of detainees desecrating Korans. The other incidents documented in the report were as follows.

The Koran was used as coaster by a female enlisted driver who put a frosty Budweiser on top of the holy book, leaving a big ring on the top. SPC Mary Kay Blevins claimed in her defense that her commanding officer had ordered her to put something under her beer so as to not mess up his coffee table. Blevins has been discharged from the Army with loss of all benefits.

The Koran was placed on a shelf beside a Sidney Sheldon novel by a female Private First Class who is probably a lesbian. The solder, Kim Keaton of Scranton, Pennsylvania, claimed to not know that Sheldon's books are considered unclean by the followers of Islam. She has been reduced in rank to Private No Class.

A female enlisted logistics specialist used the Koran to spank her commanding officer. The most egregious of all the validated incidents was this act committed by abominable SPC Cindy Whitaker of Wheeler, West Virginia. Even casual touching of the Koran to the human posterior is strictly forbidden. In her defense Whitaker is claiming that the officer asked for her to smack him with something harder, and that "this was the hardest thing in the room," a claim that the prosecutor says "is not bloody likely". Whitaker is scheduled for court-martial hearings, and could receive up to ten years behind bars.