It's hard to believe that it's been almost two weeks since we first heard the news that Dennis Kucinich had devised a plan to reach out to America in a new, unprecedented way - through the blogosphere, where truth is always job number one and reason is just a tailshake away.
And so we have fanned out into the country - to Washington D.C., city of majesty, power and light; to Cincinnati, Kucinich stronghold and home base of the ever competitive Bengals; and to frozen New Hampshire, where I'm reporting from now, the icicles forming on my ass being only a minor discomfort as I see our man win over these grizzled New Englanders one at a time.
One at a time, you ask, can Dennis really win such an epic race by making converts one at a time? Most assuredly so, as the man lives by the mantra 'Each one, Teach one'. It's a gambit that's starting to pay off, as can readily be seen by today's headline in the Lacona Citizen: 'Speech Leaves A Good Impression'. You just can't buy publicity like that.
Last night in Reno provided a wonderful opportunity to watch our guy Dennis in action. Sure, it's one thing to talk turkey with one of the elderly ice farmers in New Hampshire, but quite another to take it live in front of the sweltering sun known as the TV Eye. And Dennis took the stage by storm from this Denniblogger's POV, demonstrating excellent posture throughout, along with a bracing familiarity with the English language.
Okay, so just how tough is the competition for the Democratic Party nomination? Tough, perhaps, but tougher than Dennis? Bloggers for Kucinich had performed an exhaustive study on the seven or eight or nine men and one woman to see just how they stack up against the real thing. Let's take a look at last night's participants and other possible competitors.
(1) That's not a candidate, that's George Stephanopoulos, nosing his way into yet another photo shoot. The man has absolutely no shame. Barack Obama was not in attendance last night (scared of Dennis, we hear), so we will be forced to put his head on George's body and rate candidate #1 as potentially formidable.
(2) Get this. That's a former Senator from Alaska named Mike Gravel. Oh god, that's funny, like Mike Gravel, Private Eye. Never heard of him, and I'm sure Dennis has never heard of him either, so perhaps Mike Gravel should try and get a gig on CSI. We're rating candidate #2 as insignificant.
(3) Oh, jeez, it's another camera hog. That pinch-faced man is not a candidate either, it's Majority Leader Harry Reid trying to steal a little of Dennis' thunder. Well, I guess we'll have to stick Al Gore's well oiled head on Harry's body and rate candidate #3 as a possible wild card.
(4) Another former something, this time in the shape of Iowa's previous governor Tom Vilsack (around Kucinich HQ, we refer to the guy as Tom Ballsack, but that's an inside joke). Sure, he might do okay in the Iowa primary, but other than that, we're rating candidate #4 as insignificant.
(5) Yes, #5 is Joe Biden, the verbal Energizer bunny, making his twentieth anniversary run for president. Why Joe, why? You've been running longer than ZZ Top's ZZTopMobile. And don't we all know better than to hang around with guys named Joe at this point? We're rating candidate #5 as insignificant.
(6) That man, good old #6, standing proud, straight, and tall is OUR candidate, the silver-tongued Den-master (and one heck of a dancer), Dennis Kucinich. Just look how honest he looks standing in the midst of this pit of vipers, and you won't have any question as to why we rate candidate #6 as formidable.
(7) Will somebody please give us a f***ing break? Chris f***ing Dodd? Yeah, yeah, I know, we've got a big f***ing tent, now get on out of here with your insignificant rating, #7.
(8) One thing that Dennis Kucinich can honestly say is that he was never John Kerry's second banana. Still, even Dennis is willing to admit that John Edwards remains the best looking man in this years campaign, which in this age of superficiality is enough to get candidate #8 a rating of long shot.
(9) Camera hog alert. That's the head of the AFSCME. Frankly, we don't know what his name is or what his acronym stands for and we don't care, so we're just going to give #9 the head of... mmm, Ralph Nadir, rate him insignificant, and move on.
(X) We are labeling Hilary Clinton with an X because it does not seem fair to give her two digits when everybody else only has one, and besides, X is the Roman numeral for 10, and Dennis Kucinich is known in part for his uncanny ability to count to 5000 in Roman numerals. Some claim that Clinton is the front runner, but as Dennis always likes to say, 'the trouble with being a front runner is that you tend to get run over'. Which is the rating we're giving candidate #X - over.
So there. Looks like our Dennis is standing pretty tall, doesn't it? (And
with such wonderful posture). The only formidable candidate he's facing
would seem to be Barack Obama, and really, America, I don't think that's a
road you're ready to go down just yet. As for John Edwards, good luck,
buddy, at least you're in the race instead of on the sidelines. For now. And
as for our wild card, well, let me just tell you what the K-man himself told
me when I last delivered his morning wheat germ. Al Gore is currently doing
the world's most important job, by which the presidency pales in comparison.
As the current resident clearly demonstrates, anybody can be president, but
only one man can save our planet, so keep up the good work and best of luck
at the Oscars.
The results of the Democratic Conversation in Reno are in, and for one of the lesser candidates, they were swift and brutal. Tom Vilsack became the first person to drop out of the race when he realized that there was simply no way he could compete against the Kucinich magic.
"There's just no way he could contend," said disappointed campaign manager Bill Bley, whose dream job has come to an end after a mere six weeks. "I mean, when his head exploded we took that as kind of a sign."
I like to think that those of us busily working here at 'Bloggers for Dennis' are at least partially responsible for Vilsack's early demise. After our previous posting, where we accidentally revealed that everyone at Kucinich Headquarters secretly called the former governor Ballsack, the story quickly took on a life of it's own. A quick look at Technocrati shows that the word Ballsack was used over 1400 times following our posting, and that's the sort of political embarrassment that's not easily overcome.
Who will be the next in line for Dennis the giant slayer? We can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure it will be one of those guys with the small heads.
©2006, Mark Hoback